Witze, Jokes, and Unbelievables, between the Sexes
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Sex jokes und noch viel, viel
schlimmere
A man falls from the Empire State Building
Ein Ingenieur erzählt am Stammtisch
seine Geschichte
Noch ein schlimmer Ingenieur-Witz
Das Universum der Schildkröten ...
Die
Nach-Meditations-Retreat-Meditation
Mind over Matter, or Matter over Mind
Unterschiedliche Standpunkte zur
Wirk-lichkeit
Über
Religion in Sieben Worten
Humor hilft
einem besser durch Zeiten ohne Philosophie...
Wagner'sche
Weih-Nachten an der Staatsoper Reykjawik
Das
Stossgebet der Metaphysiker, an den Hl. St. Speculatius
Genesis II: "Where do pets come from?"
Genesis III: I will not tell the story...
Genesis IV: Die grundlegenden
Strukturen des Menschen
Genesis V: Hätte Eva zuerst vom
Baum des Lebens gekostet
Genesis VI: Gott, ich habe ein
Problem!
Genesis VII: Mit den Widersprüchen
leben
Spiritual, and other Vacuum Cleaners
Why is it necessary to be quiet in church
Similarities Between Jesus and Elvis
Only In Merry Olde England (actual trial)
Contest: The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA
This is truly the end of civilization as we know it.
Art: I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh
Bevor
mann/frau sich kennenlernen wollen
Safety Announcement: Bear Warning
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Good School Entrance Essay for Admissions
S. Africans take flamethrower aboard to fight crime
Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
D.A.R.E. PROGRAM WARNING: It is a sick world.
A Virgins guide to sex in the 90s
How To Satisfy A Woman Every Time
Die ich hier wegen der Political Correctness, nicht wiedergeben kann.
http://digitalconsciousness.net/jokes/sex.phtml
Descartes: Cogito
Ergo sum.
AD: Coito Ergo
sum.
Hier ist eine Geschichte aus 1000 minus 1 Nacht. Die Nacht
der Ernüchterung:
Eine gute Fee gab einem Mann einen Wunsch frei, aber nur Einen.
Der sagte: Ich möchte, dass mein Schwanz bis zum Boden reicht.
Die gute Fee wedelte ein bisschen mit ihrem Zauberstab, und Simsalabim,
Pling!
Und der Mann sah herunter: Er hatte nur noch 15 cm lange Beine.
Und die Moral von der Geschicht' :
Wünsche Dir Niemals etwas Unmögliches Nicht.
;-)
A man falls
from the Empire State Building,
So he has
gotten about 100 feet down.
Then he
thinks to himself.
Everything
has gone good for me now.
It will definitely
go good for me in the next 100 years also.
;-)
Es gehen zwei Indianer (ein Junger und ein Alter) auf ein Treffen
mit den Washingtoner's, beim US-Präsidenten höchst- persönlichen- Selbst.
Inclusive ein Fest-Bankett.
Da fragt der Junge den Alten:
Wie ist das bei dem Fest-Bankett?
Da sagt der Alte: Das, wovon die Leute am wenigsten nehmen, Das ist das Beste.
Schau, dass Du davon soviel wie möglich bekommst.
Dann bei dem Fest-Bankett, sah der Junge, dass die Leute von dem Senf
am Wenigsten nahmen.
Er nahm sich gleich ZWEI LÖFFEL voll, und stopfte es herein.
Daruf hin wurde er rot, und er hustete, und die Tränen kamen ihm in die Augen.
Da fragte der Alte: Warum weinst Du?
Der Junge: Wegen unserer schmerzlichen Erinnerungen an das
Massaker
von Wounded Knee.
Ich wünsche mir, Du wärest Dabei unter den Opfern gewesen.
Ein Ingenieur, der erzählt am Stammtisch seine Geschichte,
die er gerade neulich erst erlebt hat. Zitat Anfang:
>>>
Er ging gerade über das Campus, seiner Fraternitatis-Universität.
Da kam ihm eine junge Studentin (nehme ich an),
auf ihrem Fahrrad entgegen. Sie hielt an, und warf alle Ihre Kleider zu Boden.
Dann sagte sie zu dem Ingenieur: Nehme mich, mit Allem, was du
Bekommen Kannst.
<<<
Nunja. Sagte der Ingenieur: Ihre Kleider passten mir nicht.
Aber das Fahrrad, das war Super-Gut.
Also, da nahm ich das Fahrrad.
;-) ;-) ;-)
Da unterhalten sich zwei Ingenieur'e über den Sex.
Da sagt der Eine:
Allso, als der Liebe Gott, die Menschen geschaffen hat,
war er Ingenieur' mässig ziemlich Stümperhaft.
Denn der hat das Vergnügungs-Viertel viel zu
Nahe, an den Abwasser-Kanal konstruiert.
<<<
AD: Und, glaube es mir: Buckminster Fuller, der Daniel Düsentrieb,
der wirklich existierte, der hat, aus diesem
Konstruktion-Fehler ein bisschen gelernt.
Und er hatte einen Penis, 2.0 entworfen.
Im Patentamt, ist er immer noch da, für jeden zu bestaunen.
;-) ;-) ;-)
Ein alter taoistischer Weiser wurde einmal gefragt: Worauf ruht denn das Universum?
Da sagte er: Auf einer Schildkröte.
Darauf wurde er wieder gefragt:
Und worauf ruht denn diese Schildkröte?
Da sagte er: Auf noch einer Schildkröte.
Darauf wurde er wieder gefragt:
Ja, worauf ruht denn nun diese Schildkröte?
Da sagte er: Auf noch einer Schildkröte.
Darauf wurde er wieder gefragt:
Ja geht das denn immer so weiter?
Da sagte er: Ja, das schon, aber ganz langsam,
wie es eben so die Art von Schildkröten ist...
;-)
Der Meister sprach zu dem Schüler: Ich habe hier ein Koan,
mit dem du zur Erleuchtung gelangen wirst,
wenn du es löst.
Stelle Dir Vor, du nimmst ein gerade geschlüpftes Gänseküken,
und Du tuest es in eine Flasche. Dann fütterst du es, bis daraus eine schöne grosse Gans geworden ist.
Wie bekommst Du die Gans nun heraus, ohne die Flasche zu zerbrechen ?
oder die Gans zu Hackfleisch zu machen?
Nach sieben Jahren Meditierens geht der Schüler zum Meister und sagt: Ich habe die Antwort!
Der Meister: Und die ist?
Version I: Der Schüler: Ich stelle mir vor, sie ist schon draussen.
Version II: Der Schüler: Ich habe aufgehört, mir vorzustellen, sie wäre drin.
Version III: Der Schüler: Muh.
(AG: Muh ist die japanische Version von Shunyata.
Für solche Leute, die das auch noch verstehen).
;-)
Der Meister sprach zum Schüler:
Ich habe hier eine Meditationsaufgabe, mit der du zur Erleuchtung gelangen wirst,
wenn du nur gut genug übst. Wenn du meditieren gehst,
stell dir vor, du bist ein Hornochse, und visualisiere dir genau die Hörner,
wie sie dir aus dem Schädel wachsen.
Der Schüler geht in seine Meditationshütte, und kommt nicht wieder raus.
Nach sieben Jahren geht der Meister zur Meditationshütte, um nachzusehen,
wie es mit dem Schüler steht. Er ruft ihn und sagt: Du kannst jetzt rauskommen.
Von drinnen tönt die Antwort: Muh, kann nicht raus, Hörner passen nicht durch Türe!
;-)
(AG: Muh ist die japanische Version von Shunyata.
Für solche Leute, die das auch noch verstehen).
W.s i.t d.r K.a.g v.n e.n.r k.a.s.h.n.e. H.n. ?
;-)
Drei Meditäter sind in einer Hütte auf einem 3-wöchigen Schweige-Meditations-Retreat.
Sie dürfen bei Tageslicht nichts essen und vor allem nicht sprechen.
Am Nachmittag des ersten Tages schielt der Erste zu den leeren Tellern, und stößt den anderen an und sagt:
Oh, was hab ich für einen Hunger !
Der Zweite, wütend: Du Idiot, du hast das Schweigen gebrochen !
Der Dritte, selbstzufrieden: Ich hab zum Glück mit euren Streitereien nichts zu tun !
;-)
Dies ist eine Meditation, die man unbedingt sofort nach jedem Seminar oder Retreat machen sollte,
das irgendwie mit Meditation, Erleuchtung, Spiritualität, Non-Dualität,
oder sonstigen esoterischen Themen zu tun hat:
Version Sommer: Ziehe Dich nackt aus und bitte eine/n Freund/in,
dich für eine halbe Stunde mit einem Büschel Brennesseln abzubürsten.
Version Winter: Ziehe Dich nackt aus, gehe nach draussen, und bitte eine/n Freund/in,
dich für eine halbe Stunde mit einem Wasserschlauch mit eiskaltem Wasser abzuspritzen.
Meditere dabei non-dual (one-pointedly) auf die Natur der Realität.
Kommentar: In den ersten 5 Minuten oder so wirst Du kaum etwas anderes tun können,
als non-dual bei deiner Empfindung zu sein.
Das ist übrigens ein ur-altes Shinto-Ritual, das wohl gepflegt wird,
auch noch im heutigen Alten Japan. Die Japaner wissen mehr über ihre
alten Traditionen, als die heutigen Westler überhaupt Ahnen können.
Im Sinne von Ur-Ahnen.
;-)
Version I:
What is
matter? - Never mind.
What is
mind? - Doesn't matter.
Version II:
Now, is it
Mind over Matter ?
Or is it Matter
over Mind ?
Does this
really matter ?
Why should
I ever mind ?
;-)
AD: Das Leben besteht meistens aus: Ein- und Aus- und Ab- und Zu- Fällen,
manchmal aber auch aus Un-Fällen.
Der Optimist: Das Glas ist halb voll.
Der Pessimist: Das Glas ist halb leer.
Der Ingenieur: Das Glas ist doppelt so gross als notwendig wäre.
Der Philosoph: Das Glas hat 50% Aktualität und 50% Potentialität.
AD: Alles, was ich über Religion weiss, kann ich in Sieben Worten
zusammenfassen:
Verspeisen wir ein Spiegel-Ei, ohne das Ei.
;-)
AD:
"Humor hilft einem besser durch Zeiten ohne Philosophie,
als Philosophieren einen durch Zeiten ohne Humor hilft."
AD:
Eine Inszenierung der Staatsoper Reykjawik, als Wagner'sches
Weih-Nachts-Oratorium in nur 3 Stunden.
Ho, Ho, Ho! (Ohhton Hagen):
Vom Himmel hoch, da komm' ich her, und bring' euch fröhliche Wagner-Mär.
Die Besetzung ist:
Der Weihnachtsmann: Wotan, diesmal im roten Mantel, mit roter Kapuze,
und anstatt einem Speer hat er sich als Requisit, den Zauber-Stab des
Gandalf ausgeliehen, womit er "schwuppdiwupps",
die unartigen Kinder in ganz ganz brave verzaubert.
Seine Rentiere haben alle, 8 Beine wie Sleipnir, und sind auch noch voll
mit Fliegenpilzen aufgefüllt. Daher kommen auch die roten Nasen.
Die weiteren Hauptrollen sind:
Pontius Pilatus als Hagen,
König Herodes als Gunther,
Jesus Christus als Siegfried,
Maria Magdalena als Brunhilde,
Maria ist entweder Erda oder Sieglinde, so genau weiss ich das noch nicht...
Die drei Weisen aus dem Morgenlande sind: Alberich, Mime, und Fasolt.
Denn die haben auch sehr, sehr viel Gold. Das passt wohl gut dazu.
Und der Weihrauch, der ist in den Schmiede-Feuern der Zwerge
auch reichlich vorhanden.
Der Esel ist wiederum Sleipnir.
Die Hirten sind Gunther's Mannen.
Joseph, in seiner undankbaren Rolle als Nicht-Vater,
könnte vielleicht auf Hunding passen, so genau weiss ich das aber noch nicht.
Der Stall von Bethlehem ist Hundings Halle. Das passt auch ganz gut.
Die Palme ist diesmal ein Zweig von der Yggdrasil.
Die Brieftauben, die die frohe Botschaft in alle Welt verbreiten,
sind diesmal die Raben Wotans, aber mit einer frohen Botschaft.
Der Stern von Bethlehem ist diesmal der Vulkan Eyjafjallajökull,
denn der passt den Isländern besser. Oder wir nehmen die Nordlichter.
Nach Gusto.
Die Musik wird von Otto Waalkes dirigiert, und der spielt selber als
Leit-Instrument seine Gitarre. Das ganze Orchester muss ihm folgen.
Ansonsten überlassen wir die Musik dem Ennio Morricone.
Oh Du fröööliche, oh Du seeeliche, Weih-Nachts-Zeit!
AD:
Ich zitiere hier, das Stossgebet, der Metaphysiker, an den Hl. St. Speculatius,
dem Schutzpatron aller metaphysischen Philosophen.
Sie bitten jeden Morgen und jeden Abend um seine Gnade,
damit er sie bei ihren Irr-Witzigen Speculationen,
nicht in die Versuchung der Mystik'erei führen lassen wird.
Hier ist es Verbatim:
Oh Du Hl. St. Speculatius Unser,
Der Du residierest in dem Himmel von Phantasién,
Deo Mucho Gracias, Ars Gratia Artis,
In Excelsio Giordano Bruno,
Erlöse Uns von dem Übel der Gegenständlichkeit, und von der Verständlichkeit.
Verzeih' uns unsere Un-Gerechtigkeit, von der Mathematik'erei,
Denn, wenn wir in Unseren Heil'gen Hallen, die Null gegen die Un-Endlichkeit teilen,
Dann kriegen wir Alle Etwas ab, von des Kuchen's, seinen Teilen.
Und dann, sodann führe Uns nicht auf den Pfad der Versuchung,
in die Mystik-erei.
Amen.
Adam was
walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam,
"What
is wrong with you?"
Adam said,
"Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."
God said,
"Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This
person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with
every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get
up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and
will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion
whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you
keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to
make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."
Adam asked
God, "What will this woman cost?"
God said,
"An arm and a leg..."
Adam said,
"What can I get for just a rib?"
;-)
A newly
discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to the
question "Where do pets come from?".
Adam and
Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day.
Now, we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome and it is difficult for us to
remember how much you love us."
And God
said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you
forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love
me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or
unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will
love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God
created a new animal to be companion for Adam and Eve, and it was a good
animal.
And God was
pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged
his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in
the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God
said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my
love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call
him DOG."
And Dog
lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they
were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a
while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord,
Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks
and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that
they are loved...but perhaps too well."
And God
said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever
and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their
limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of
adoration."
And God
created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And
when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not
the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly
improved.
And God was
pleased.
And Dog was
happy.
And Cat
didn't give a shit one way or the other.
;-)
The Mighty
Holy Triad. But he who knows that better than the Pope:
He will be
burned at the stake. (In Memoria of St. Giordano Bruno).
I don't
like that. Therefore, I will not tell this story.
;-) ;-) ;-)
Three Times
Crucified, is not much better,
than One
Time Crucified. Holy Lord, please stand Us By.
Gott hatte gerade die grundlegenden Strukturen des Menschen erschaffen
und nun war es an der Zeit für die Zusatzausstattungen. Sie sagte daher
zu Adam und Eva: "Ok, wir haben jetzt also alles Grundlegende.
Wer von euch beiden möchte im Stehen pinkeln können?"
Adam springt auf auf schreit: "Oh ja, ich, ich möchte im Stehen pinkeln können!!"
Gott sprach also: "Dies soll geschehen." Und Adam ging glücklich von dannen.
Dann wand sich Gott Eva zu und sprach: "Nun, sieht aus als ob alles, was
ich noch übrig hätte multiple Orgasmen wären."
;-)
"Was wäre passiert, hätte Eva zuerst vom Baum des Lebens gekostet und
dann erst vom Baum der Erkenntnis? Eva wäre unsterblich gewesen, und
statt Adam als Sklavin zu dienen, hätte sie seine Göttin sein können.
Chance verpasst - denken wir nicht mehr daran."
;-)
Eines Tages im Garten Eden sagte Eva zu Gott: "Gott, ich habe ein Problem!"
"Was ist das Problem, Eva?"
"Gott, ich weiß, dass du mich erschaffen hast, mir diesen wunderschönen
Garten und all diese fabelhaften Tiere und diese zum Totlachen komische
Schlange zur Seite gestellt hast, aber ich bin einfach nicht glücklich."
"Warum bist du nicht glücklich, Eva?" kam die Antwort von oben.
"Gott, ich bin einsam, und ich kann Äpfel einfach nicht mehr sehen."
"Na gut, Eva, in diesem Fall habe ich die Lösung für dein Problem. Ich
werde für dich einen Mann erschaffen und ihn dir zur Seite stellen."
"Was ist ein Mann?"
"Dieser Mann wird eine missratene Kreatur sein, mit vielen Fehlern und
schlechten Charakterzügen. Er wird lügen, dich betrügen und unglaublich
eitel und eingebildet sein. Im Grossen und Ganzen wird er dir das Leben
schwer machen. Aber er wird größer, stärker und schneller sein und er
wird es lieben zu jagen und Dinge zu töten. Er wird dümmlich aussehen,
wenn er erregt ist, aber da du dich ja beschwert hast, werde ich ihn
derart beschaffen, dass er deine körperlichen Bedürfnisse befriedigen
wird. Er wird witzlos sein und solch kindische Dinge wie Kämpfen und
einen Ball herumkicken über alles lieben. Er wird auch nicht viel
Verstand haben, so dass er deinen Rat brauchen wird, um vernünftig zu
denken."
"Klingt ja umwerfend", sagte Eva und zog dabei eine Augenbraue ironisch
hoch. "Wo ist der Haken, Gott?"
"Also... Du kannst ihn unter einer Bedingung haben."
"Und welche Bedingung ist das, Gott?"
"Wie ich schon sagte, wird er stolz und arrogant sein und sich selbst
stets am meisten bewundern... Du wirst ihn daher im Glauben lassen
müssen, dass ich ihn zuerst geschaffen hätte. Denk dran, das ist unser
beider Geheimnis...Du weißt schon, von Frau zu Frau..."
;-)
AD:
Gott erschuf die Welt, dann alle Tiere, und dann Adam.
Der stand dann so ziemlich dumm herum. Da beschloss Gott, die Eva zu
erschaffen. Sie ging also mit der Eva zu dem Adam und Sie sprach zu ihm:
"Adam, nun wähle Dir ein Weib.
Aber Sie Sprach: Es gibt eine Bedingung:
Du darfst NIEMALS: Du darfst ihr NIE NIE WIDERSPRECHEN!
(Erstes Gebot Gottes).
Denn sie wird sich gleich darauf selber WIDERSPRECHEN.
Mache sie NIE DARAUF AUFMERKSAM!
(Zweites Gebot Gottes).
Dann werdet ihr auf EWIG GLÜCKLICH MITEINANDER LEBEN."
(Die Verheissung Gottes).
P.S.
Hegel hatte so etwas Ähnliches im Sinn, als er die Technik
von These,
Anti-These, und Syn-These erfand.
Er hatte deswegen auch nie Probleme mit seiner Frau.
Ganz im Gegensatz zu Sokrates, der Dauernd Probleme mit seiner Frau hatte.
Auch ein Philosoph muss lernen, mit Widersprüchen zu leben.
Insbesondere was das Zusammenleben mit einer Frau angeht.
Deshalb hatten so viele eminente Philosophen auch keine Frau.
Weil sie das nicht konnten, mit Widersprüchen zu leben.
;-)
A man was walking along the beach and found a
bottle. He looked
around and
didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared
and thanked
the man letting him out. The genie said, "For your
kindness I
will grant you one wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I
have always wanted to
go to
Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of
flying and
ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for
a road to
be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said,
"No, I can't do
that. Just
think of all the work involved with the pilings
needed to
hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be
to reach
the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that
would be
needed. No ... that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the
genie, "There is
one other
thing I have always wanted. I want to understand
women. What
makes them laugh? What make them cry? Why are they
temperamental?
And why are they so difficult to get along with?
Basically,
what makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes; then
said, "So, do you
want two
lanes or four ?"
;-)
A man is
standing at the urinal, of an official Toilette.
Then he
sees, next to him, a big Negro.
This big
Negro pulls out a 12-inch Prick.
Ohh, says
the Negro. I just made it...
Then looks
the man, staring at the Negro's Prick.
And then
asks him: Can you also make me one, like Yours?
;-)
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so
he went to the
market
looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a
special
rooster one that could service all of his many hens and
when he
told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:
"I
have just the Rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest
Rooster you
will ever see!"
So the
farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him
loose in
the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep
talk.
"Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff".
And without
a word he strutted into the hen house.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting
each hen like a
thunderbolt.
There was much squawking and many feathers flying,
till Randy
had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy
didn't stop
there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the
horses, one
by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he
went to the
pig house, where he did the same.
The farmer,
watching all of this with disbelief, cried out,
"Stop,
Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued,
seeking out
each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next
morning,
the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his
lawn. His
legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his
long tongue
hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above
Randy.
The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh
you poor thing, look
what you
did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my
little
buddy".
"Shhhhh,"
Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
;-)
Arthur
Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation,
dies and
goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson,
"Well, you've been such a good guy and
your motorcycles have
changed the
world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you
want to in
Heaven."
Davidson
thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,
Himself." The befeathered fellow at the
Gates takes Arthur to
the Throne
Room and introduces him to God.
Arthur then
asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God says,
"Ah, yes."
"Well," says Davidson, "you have
some major design flaws in your
invention:
There's too
much front end protrusion
It chatters
at high speeds
The rear
end wobbles too much, and
The intake
is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..."
replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial
Super Computer, types in a few keystrokes, and
waits for the
result. The
computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads
it.
"It may be that my invention is flawed,"
God replies
to Arthur Davidson, "But according to my computer,
more people
are riding my invention than yours."
;-)
What did
the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum
cleaners?
"Too
many attachments! "
A little
boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother
about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's mind, sat him
and said: "God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or
white." To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael
Jackson?"
Old Mrs.
Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first
floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still
rising.
Two men
passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.
"No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will
provide." The men shrugged and rowed on.
By evening,
the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She
was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't
trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."
Pretty
soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter
came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will
provide."
So the boat
left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.
Dripping
wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to
speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.
"For
cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"
It is a
tradition in the US for people to make statements through stickers they stick
on their car bumpers. Here are a few funny bumper stickers:-
"Procrastinate
now"
"My
Karma ran over my Dogma!!"
"Never
drive faster than your angel can fly!!"
"Warning:
Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"As
long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Vegetarians visualize or meditate on
whirled peas"
;-)
The
harbormaster was having troubles with his two young boys, so he decided to send
them to Rev. Hawkins for some help.
The next
morning Billy, aged 8, was sent. Upon arriving, the Rev. sat him down and
sternly asked, "Where is God ?"
Billy sat
there speechless, so the Rev asked louder, "Where is God ?"
Again no answer came from Billy, so the Rev.
shook his finger in Billy's
face and
screamed, "WHERE IS GOD ?"
Billy
screamed and bolted from the room, ran right home and dove into his closet,
shutting the door behind him.
His older
brother Joe watched this, slowly opened the door and asked,
"What
happened to you ?"
Billy yelled, "We're in big trouble this
time, dude. God is missing and
they think
WE did it."
;-)
A Sunday
school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church
service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright
little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping!"
;-)
Grandpa and
his grandson were sitting reading when he asked,
"Did
God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes,
God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few
minutes later, the little boy asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes,
He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes,
the little boy seemed to be studying his grandpa,
as well as
his own reflection in the mirror,
while his
grandfather wondered what was running through his mind. At last he spoke up.
"You
know, Grandpa," he said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
;-)
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East
Coast and was
taking a
limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo,
he asked
the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the
chauffeur
knew he couldn't say no to the Pope, so he climbed
into the
back of the limo while the Pontiff took the wheel.
The Pope proceeded to hop on Route 95 and
started accelerating
to see what
the limo could do. He had the limo to about 90 miles
per hour
when, WHAM!, the friendly blue lights of the State
Police
appeared in his mirror.
The Pope pulled over and the trooper came to
his window. The
trooper
instantly saw who it was and figured it would be better
if he
called in for procedure. The trooper radioed in and asked
for the
chief:
"I've got a REALLY important person pulled
over and I need to
know what
to do." The chief replied,
"Who
is it, not Ted again?"
"No,"
said he trooper, "even more important."
"Oh
no, have you pulled the Governor over?"
"No,
even more important."
"Whoa!
Don't tell me you've pulled over the President?!"
"No,
more important," replied the trooper.
"Who
could be more important than the President?!" screams the
chief.
"I don't know who it is," says the
trooper. "All I know is he's
got the
Pope as his chauffeur...."
;-)
A young man goes into a drug store to buy
condoms. The
pharmacist
says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks
which the
young man wants.
"Well,"
he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and
she's
really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's
"the"
night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then
we're going
out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky
after that.
Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so
you'd
better give me the 12 pack."
The young
man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening,
he sits
down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He
asks if he
might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins
the prayer,
but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never
told me that you were
such a
religious person."
He leans
over to her and says, "You never told me that your
father is a
pharmacist."
;-)
A devout Catholic woman was running late to
Church slipped and
fell,
skinning her elbows and knees, and splitting her skirt.
Dazed and confused, she glanced up a saw a man
staring at her
from the
Church steps.
"Are
you OK ?" he asked.
"Yes,
but is Mass out?" she asked.
"No
ma'am," he replied, "but your hat is on crooked."
Every year, just before Easter, the Chief Rabbi
in Rome goes to
the Vatican
and presents an ancient, and by now quite tattered
envelope to
the Pope. The Pope inspects the envelope, shakes his
head, and
hands it back to the Chief Rabbi, who then departs.
This has been going on for nearly two thousand
years. One year
recently,
it happened that there was a new Pope and a new Chief
Rabbi. When the Chief Rabbi presented the
ancient envelope to
the Pope,
as he had been instructed to do by his predecessor,
the Pope
looked it over and handed it back as he had been told
to, in
turn, by his predecessor . . . but then the Pope said,
"This
is an unusual ritual. I don't understand it. What is in
this
envelope?"
"Damned
if I know," answered the Chief Rabbi. "I'm new here
myself.
But, hey, let's open it and find out."
"Good
idea," said the Pope. So together, they slowly and
carefully
opened the envelope. And do you know what they found?
The
caterer's bill for the Last Supper!
;-)
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he
is finishing his
speech on
comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a
question.
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No
Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".
"Mr.
Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey
questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope,
"there are no dwarf nuns in
Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly,
"are there any dwarf nuns
anywhere in
the world?"
"No
Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns
anywhere in
the world."
And softly
in the background the six remaining dwarves start
chanting,
"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier
near his church. He
looks
around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his
boat. The
fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would
like to
join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.
The
fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before to which
the priest
says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it
a shot
father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish
and
struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa,
what a big
son-of-a-bitch!"
The Priest
says, "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
The
Fisherman responds (THINKING QUICKLY), "I'm sorry Father,
but that's
what this fish is called - a son-of-a-bitch!"
"Oh, I'm sorry", replied the Priest.
"I didn't know." After the
trip, the
priest brings the fish to the church and spots the
Bishop.
"Eminence, look at this big son-of-a-bitch!"
"Please
Father", said the Bishop. "Mind your language, this is a
house of
God."
"No, you don't understand", said the
Priest. "That's what this
fish is
called, and I caught it. I caught this son-of-a-bitch!"
"Hmmm",
said the Bishop. "You know, I could clean this
son-of-a-bitch
and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop
takes the
fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior
at the convent.
"Mother Superior could you cook this
son-of-a-bitch
for dinner tonight?"
"My
lord, what language!", said the Mother Superior.
"No,
Sister", said the Bishop. "That's what the fish is called -
a
son-of-a-bitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like
you to cook
it."
"Hmmm",
replied Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that
son-of-a-bitch
tonight." Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with
the three
of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks
where they
got it. "I caught the son-of-a-bitch!", said the
Priest.
"And I
cleaned the son-of-a-bitch!", said the Bishop.
"And I
cooked the son-of-a-bitch!", said the Mother Superior.
The Pope
stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but
then takes
off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says,
"You
know, you fuckers are alright".
A cabby picked up a nun. As he was driving her
to her
destination,
they started to talk. The cabby said, "Sister, I've
always had
a fantasy about nuns." She asked him to go on. "I'm
embarrassed
to say, but I've always thought it would be great to
get a blow
job from a nun."
"Well,
I could help you out there, but first I must know that
you are not
married and that you are Catholic"
"Oh
yes Sister, I'm a single Catholic." So she instructed him to
turn into
an alley. After the deed was done and they were back
on the
road, the cabby began to cry. The nun asked what was
wrong now
and the cabby said, "Sister, I feel terrible because
the truth
is I'm Jewish and I'm also married."
She said, "That's OK, I'm really Scott and
you're taking me to a
Halloween
Party!"
;-)
Jesus said:
"Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said:
"Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)
Jesus is
the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated
Cybill Shepherd.
Jesus was
part of the Trinity.
Elvis'
first band was a trio.
Jesus
walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis
surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)
Jesus'
entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members
Elvis'
entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
Jesus was
resurrected.
Elvis had
the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
Jesus said,
"If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and
drink."
(John 7:37)
Elvis said,
"Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
Jesus
fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had
irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for
breakfast)
Jesus is a
Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a
Capricorn. (January 8)
Matthew was
one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel
According
to Matthew)
Neil
Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A
Golden
Tribute)
"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning,
and his raiment white
as
snow." (Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore
snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.
Jesus lived
in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived
in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.
Mary, an
important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate
Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life,
went to Immaculate
Conception
High School.
Jesus was
first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first
recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still
considered
to be his foremost recordings.
Jesus was
the lamb of God.
Elvis had
mutton chop sideburns.
Jesus'
Father is everywhere.
Elvis'
father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
Jesus was a
carpenter.
Elvis'
favorite high school class was wood shop.
Jesus wore
a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore
Royal Crown hair styler.
Jesus H.
Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis
Presley has 12 letters.
No one
knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
No one was
really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron"or
"Aaron"
Jesus is
often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like
a gold
plate.
Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with
gold trim and sold
through TV.
Jesus said:
"Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked
his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
;-)
A nine year old boy came to his mother with a
very troubled look
on his
face. "Mom," he said, "is God a male or a female?"
"Well,
that's a very hard question to answer," said his mom.
"But the easiest way to think of it is
that God is both male and
female."
A troubled look swept across the boy's face.
"But Mom, is God
black or
white?" The mother, with some concern about where this
line of
questions might end up, answered, "I guess you would
have to say
that God is both black and white."
The boy was obviously filled with tremendous
confusion as he
started to
form his third question. The mother, by now, was
becoming
somewhat alarmed. She braced herself for the next
question.
"Mom, is God gay or straight?" She took a deep breath
and said,
"God is both gay and straight."
The look of total consternation melted away as
the boy's face
lit up. The
mother sighed to herself, relieved that he finally
"got
it."
"Mom?"
he asked. "Is God Michael Jackson?"
;-)
One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full,
and something
had to be
done. So The Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at
the gate
and ask everyone how they died. If it was a grisly
story they
told, they could go ahead into Heaven. But if not,
they had to
go to Hell. The first man walks up and St. Peter
tells him
what's happening. "You see, Heaven is quite full
today, and
we have to ask everyone how they died. If it sounds
good, you
can go ahead. But if not, you go to Hell."
"Ok," the man says. "Well, for
awhile I've been suspecting my
wife of
cheating on me. So today I thought I'd leave work early
and catch
her. Sure enough, I got to my apartment building and
she was
lying naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment
searching
for the man but couldn't find him. Then I remembered
that we
live on the 25th floor of an apartment building, and we
have a
balcony. And there was the man, hanging off my balcony. I
beat at his
hands and he just wouldn't let go, so I ran and got
a hammer
and beat his hands until he fell into the bushes below.
I saw he
was still alive so I got the refrigerator and pushed
over the
edge on top of him. But the strain of the effort gave
me a heart
attack and I died. "Wow!" St. Peter said. "That
really is
bad! You can go ahead..."
The next man walked up and St. Peter gave his
spiel about Heaven
being full
and the man would have to tell his story. "Ok," the
second man
said. "So I live on the 26th floor of an apartment
building,
and everyday I do exercises on my balcony. Well, today
I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the
railing of the
balcony
below me. But suddenly, this man came running out and
started
beating at my hands. He ran back inside and I thought I
was safe,
but then he came back out with hammer and beat my
hands again.
I finally fell off, but luckily I landed in the
bushes
below and they saved my life. But that wasn't enough for
the man
because he pushed his refrigerator over the edge and it
landed on
me and killed me. And now I'm here." "Wow, that's a
good one
too! You can go ahead..."
The third man walked up and St. Peter again
gave his spiel about
Heaven being full and the man would have to
tell his story of
how he
died. "Ok," the third man said. "I don't know what
happened. I
was hiding naked inside of a refrigerator..."
;-)
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous
he could hardly
speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit,
I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to
get nervous, I take a sip." So, the next Sunday he took
the
monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got
nervous and
took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon
return to
his office after mass, he found the following note on
his door:
Sip the
Vodka, don't gulp.
There are
10 commandments, not 12.
There are
12 disciples, not 10
Jesus was
consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob
wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not
refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father,
Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and
Spook.
David slew
Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David
was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was
stoned off his ass.
We do not
refer to the cross as the Big T!
When Jesus
broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and
eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
The Virgin
Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the
Cherry".
The
recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,
thanks for
the grub, yeah G-d"
Next Sunday
there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
Peter's,
not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
;-)
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is
Easter?" The blonde
replies,
"Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when
everyone
gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."
"Wrong!,"
replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second
blonde the
same question, "What is Easter?"
The second
blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December
when we put
up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the
birth of
Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes
his head in
disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over
his glasses
at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks
St. Peter in the
eyes,
"I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter,
incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides
with the
Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples
were eating
at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and
turned over
to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans
took him to
be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to
wear a
crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails
through his
hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was
sealed off
by a large boulder."
St. Peter
smiles broadly with delight.
The third
blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved
aside so
that Jesus can come out ... and, if he sees his shadow,
there will
be six more weeks of winter."
(This is
from the Groundhog Day).
;-)
An elderly priest was upset with the things he
was hearing
during
Saturday confessions. After his sermon one Sunday
morning, he
said to his congregation, "I'm tired of hearing so
many people
tell me in confession that they have cheated. For
thirty
years, people have been saying to me "I have cheated with
Anthony... I have cheated with Mary... I have
cheated with
Frankie."
I am sick and tired of hearing this word. From now on,
when you
come into my confessional, you will say "I have fallen
with
Anthony, or with Mary, or with Frankie." No more using the
word CHEAT.
It will be FALL."
About a year later, the old priest retired and
was replaced by a
younger
man. No one thought to tell the new priest about the
change of
words in the confessional. After hearing his first
round of
Saturday confessions, the young priest went to the
mayor of
the town and said to him, "Mr. Mayor, you are going to
have to do
something about the deplorable condition of the
streets and
sidewalks in this town. Everybody is telling me they
are falling
all over the place." The mayor immediately
understood
the problem, and he leaned back in his chair and
laughed.
The priest was puzzled, and said, "Mr.
Mayor, you shouldn't be
laughing!
Your wife told me that just last week she fell three
times!"
;-)
The following were among winners in a New York
Magazine contest
in which
contestants were to take a well-known expression in a
foreign
language, change a single letter, and provide a
definition
for the new expression.
HARLEZ-VOUS
FRANCAIS? -- Can you drive a French Motorcycle?
VENI, VIPI, VICI
-- I came, I'm a very important person, I
conquered.
COGITO EGGO
SUM -- I think; therefore, I am a waffle.
RIGOR
MORRIS -- The cat is dead.
RESPONDEZ
S'IL VOUS PLAID -- Honk if you're Scottish
POSH MORTEM
-- Death styles of the rich and famous.
MONAGE A
TROIS -- I am three years old.
HASTE
CUISINE -- Fast French food.
VENI, VIDI, VICE
-- I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO
QUO -- A fast retort.
ALOHA OY --
Love, greetings, farewell. From such a pain
you should
never ...
MAZEL TON
-- tons of luck.
VISA LA
FRANCE -- Don't leave your chateau without it.
COGITO ERGO
SAM -- Sam I am (I think)
A man takes the day off from work and decides
to go golfing. He
is on the
second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the
green. He
thinks nothing of it, and is about to shoot, when he
hears,
"Ribbit, 9 iron."
The man
looks around but doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears,
"Ribbit, 9 iron." He looks at the
frog and decides to prove that
the frog is
wrong. He puts his first club back into his bag and
grabs his 9
iron. Boom!!!
He drives
the ball within ten inches of the cup! The man is
shocked and
says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing! You must be
a lucky
frog, hunh?" The frog replied, "Lucky frog. Ribbit."
The man
decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What
do you think, frog?" he asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The man
takes out
the 3 wood. Boom!!
A hole in one! The man is totally befuddled and
doesn't know
what to
say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best day
in his
whole life. He asks the frog, "Where to next?" and the
frog
replied, "Las Vegas. Ribbit."
They go to
Las Vegas and the man says, "Okay, frog. Now what?"
The frog responded, "Ribbit.
Roulette." Upon approaching the
table, the
man asks, "What do you think I should bet, frog?" The
frog says,
"Ribbit. $3,000. Black 6."
Now, this
is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf
game, the
man figures, what the heck? Boom!!! A mountain of cash
comes
sliding back to him across the table! He takes his
winnings
and checks into the finest suite in the casino's hotel.
The man sets the frog down on a table and says,
"Frog, I don't
know how I
can ever repay you. You won me the best golf game of
my life,
and now all of this money. I am forever grateful."
The frog
replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me." The man figures, why not,
since after
all the frog did for him, he deserves at least a
kiss. With
the kiss, the frog turned into a gorgeous fifteen
year old
girl.
"And
that, Your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room..."
...
Dies ist nicht so ganz Jugendfrei.
Denn, wenn jemand eine minderjährige Person auf Seinem Zimmer hat
(unter 18 Jahren):
Dann ist er der Ganz bestimmten, dem USA- Kriminal- Gerichts- Verfahren ausgesetzt.
Dafür sorgt schon die USA- Gerichts- Bar-keit, dass diese Leute,
schon ziemlich viele Jahre im Gefängnis sitzen müssen.
Obwohl sie keine Ahnung davon hatten. Wissen ist Macht.
Weiss nix, macht nix.
Pereat mundus. Wenn auch die Welt daran zugrunde geht:
Das Römische Recht muss immer gewahrt bleiben.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fiat_iustitia,_et_pereat_mundus
Auch wenn sie das gar nicht wollten.
Der arme Frosch kann wirklich garnichts dafür.
;-)
A young
woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her she
began feeling
humiliated
on account of her condition. She changed her seat and
he seemed
more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth
move he
burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young
man was asked why
he acted in
such a manner. His reply was:
"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't
help noticing she was
pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement which read
'Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins', then she
moved under one that
read
'Sloans Liniments remove Swelling'. I was even
more amused when
she sat
under a shaving advertisement which read
'William Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not
control myself
any longer
when on the fourth move she sat under an
advertisement
which read
'Dunlop
Rubber would have prevented this accident'."
He won the
case.
The teacher had given the class an assignment.
He stresses the
importance
of this particular assignment, and that no excuses
will be
accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or
a death in
the immediate family (with a note from that member).
A smart-ass
student pipes up:
"What about extreme sexual exhaustion,
sir?" The class breaks up
laughing,
and when they settle down the teacher responds with:
"Well,
I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other
hand."
A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and
all three sheets
ripping
bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg
adrift in a
roiling sea. He sloshes through the door and is met
by his
wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new
bones.
"Where
the hell you been all night?" she demands.
"At
this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon.
Everything
there is golden."
"Bullshit!
There's no such place!"
"Sure
there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor.
Hell, even
the toilet's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe
his story,
and the next day checks the phone book, finding a
place
across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the
place to
check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks
when the bartender answers
the phone.
"Yes,
it is," bartender answers.
"Do
you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure
do."
"Do
you have golden floors?"
"Most
certainly do."
"What
about golden toilets?" There's a long pause, then the
woman hears
the bartender yelling,
"Hey,
Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy who shit in your
Tuba!"
There are
these friends who play golf together every Saturday.
Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to
tee off when a
guy, by
himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends
looked at
each other and then looked at the man and said "sure."
So they teed off. About two holes into the
game, the friends got
curious of
what the lone man did for a living. So they asked
him. The
stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends
kind of
laughed.
The man said "no really, I am a hitman. My
gun is in my golf
bag. I
carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you
like."
So one of
the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and
sure
enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He
got all
excited about it. He said "WOW! I bet I can see my house
through
here! May I look?" The stranger said "sure."
So the man looked for a second and said
"YEAH! You can! I can
even see
through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife,
naked.
Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor!
He's naked
too!"
This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how
much it would be
for a hit.
The hit man replied "It's $1000 every time I pull the
trigger."
The man said "$1000, ouch! Well, ok. I want two hits.
I want you
to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always
nagging at
me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot
my neighbor
right in the dick, just for screwing around with my
wife."
The hit man
agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope.
He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man
starts to get
impatient
and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman
replies
"Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand
bucks."
;-)
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying
to prove that they
are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to
give them a
test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of
them has to
catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants
throughout the
forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After
three
months of extensive investigations they conclude that
rabbits do
not exist.
The FBI
goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the
forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they
make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD
goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly
beaten
bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm
a rabbit!
;-)
A business man got on an elevator in a
building. When he entered
the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted
him by
saying "T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and
replied
"S-H-I-T"(letters only). She looked at him, puzzled, and
said
"T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering
"S-H-I-T". The
blond was
trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile
and said as
sweetly as possible "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man
smiled back to her and once again replied with the
quizzical
expression, "S-H-I-T". The blond finally decided to
explain
things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness
Its Friday;
getit?"
The man
answered, "Sorry Honey, It's Thursday".
An old guy's sitting on a bus when a punk
rocker gets on. The
punk
rocker's hair is red, green, yellow, and orange, and he's
got feather
earrings. He sees the guy staring at him. He says
"What's
the matter, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild?"
The old guy
says, "Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot.
I thought
maybe you were my kid."
;-)
A guy walks into the Toys-R-Us toy shop in
downtown New York and
says to the
assistant: "Could you please show me your Barbie
dolls?"
She says,
"Certainly, sir. Here, we have: Fashion Barbie @
$15.95
Vacation Barbie @ $15.95 Housewife Barbie @ $15.95 and
Divorcee
Barbie @ $215.95!"
The guy
asks in astonishment, "Why is divorcee Barbies So much?
She looks
the same to me."
The
assistant answers, "Well, sir, divorcee Barbie comes
complete
with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's money!, Ken's etc.
etc.
;-)
I recently
saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked. She
replied, "I knew I should
have
replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I
can't get
into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenience
store) would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I
dunno. Do you have an
alarm, too?" I asked."
"No,
just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and
the car
keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the
door, I
replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about
the batteries...it's
a long walk."
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job
at a city
department
store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world
- you could
get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you
ever been a
salesman before?"
"Yes,
I am the best salesman in the country," said the lad.
The boss
liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow
and I'll
come and see you when we close up." The day was long
and arduous
for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came
around. The
boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did
you make
today?"
"One,"
said the young salesman.
"Only
one?" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30
sales a
day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and
thirtyfour dollars,"
said the
young man.
"How
did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well,"
said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a
small fish hook,
then a medium hook and finally a really large
hook. Then
I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a
then a huge
one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he
said down
the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I
took him
down to the boat department and sold him that twenty
foot
schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen
probably
wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car
department
and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss
took two steps back and asked in astonishment "You sold
all that to
a guy who came in for a fish hook???"
"No..."
answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of
Tampons for
his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot,
you may as
well go fishing."
;-)
A young fellow walks into a talent agent's
office and says he
wants to
break into show-biz, so the agent says "Okay kid, show
me what you
do."
The kid
tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit,
does an
acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to
impress the
agent. "Great kid! Just great!," says the agent "I
can do
things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V."
(This was
the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?"
The young
man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian."
"'Scuse
me?," questions the agent.
"My
name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man.
"Hey
I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name,
nobody is
gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."
Well the
young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to
change his
name, so he leaves to find another agent. A few
months
later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see
ya
again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have
ya changed
your name?"
With his head hanging low the young man replies
"Yes. Every
agent in
town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van
Lesbian. So
I've changed it".
"Great
kid, great! What's your new name?"
"Dick Van Dyke."
;-)
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. You have to
take care of
them, but
the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have 2 cows. The government
takes both and
shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. The
government fines you
for
illegally keeping 2 unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors
decide who gets
the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your
neighbors pick
someone
through a vote to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to
give you 2 cows
if you vote
for it. After the election, the president is
impeached
for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the
affair
"Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. You feed
them sheep's brains
and they go
mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. At first the
government regulates
what you
can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays
you not to
milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one,
milks the
other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it
requires
you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell one and
buy a bull which
you use to
breed the other cow as well as every other cow in the
area. Then
you start exporting sperm from the bull to emerging
markets.
After several years of expansion, your company issues
an IPO to
be listed on the NYSE. The SEC eventually instigates
legal
proceedings against you and your spouse for insider
trading.
After a lengthy court battle, you are found guilty and
sentenced
to 10 years in prison, of which you actually serve 7
weeks. When
you come out of prison, you buy 2 chickens. Then...
. .
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell
3 of them to
your
publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap
with an
associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back
with a tax
deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6
cows are
transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman
Islands company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder, who
sells the
rights to all 7 cows' milk back to the listed company
and
proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says
that the
company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more.
Meanwhile,
you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have 2 cows. The
government bans you from
milking or
killing them.
FEMINISM: You have 2 cows. They get married and
adopt a veal
calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have 2 cows. The
government takes them and
denies they
ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with
(the concept of
"ownership"
is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongerism,
intolerant
past) 2 differently aged (but no less valuable to
society)
bovines of unpecified gender.
COUNTER
CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like ... these 2 cows, man.
You got to
have some of this milk!
SURREALISM: You have 2 giraffes. The government
requires you to
take
harmonica lessons.
LIBERTY:
Whatever.
;-)
ACURA - Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead
AUDI -
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
BMW -
Bavarian Money Waster
CHEVROLET -
Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
DODGE -
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT - Fix
It Again, Tony
FORD -
Fixed Or Repaired Daily; (Backwards) Driver Returns On
Foot
GMC - Got a
Mechanic Coming?
HONDA -
Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything; Had One, Never
Did Again
HYUNDAI -
Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive
JEEP -
Journey Eventually Ends Perpendicularly
KIA -
Korea's Incompetence Amazing
MAZDA -
Mismanages A Zillion Dollars Annually
MITSUBISHI
- Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially
Unacceptable
Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents
LAND ROVER - Loud, Agonizing, Noisy Drive -
Rattles On Virtually
Every Road
PLYMOUTH - Please Leave Your Money Out Under
The Hood
PORSCHE -
Pity Only Rich Suckers Can Have +Em
SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back; Swedish
Autos Always
Breakdown
SATURN - Stickers Are Truly Unnegotiable, Rebates
Nonexistent
TOYOTA -
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Automobile
VW -
Virtually Worthless
VOLVO -
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
;-)
Many many
years ago when I was twenty three,
I got
married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow
had a grown-up daughter
Who had
hair of red.
My father
fell in love with her,
And soon
the two were wed.
This made
my dad my son-in-law
And changed
my very life.
My daughter
was my mother,
For she was
my father's wife.
To
complicate the matters worse,
Although it
brought me joy.
I soon
became the father
Of a
bouncing baby boy.
My little
baby then became
A
brother-in-law to dad.
And so
became my uncle,
Though it
made me very sad.
For if he
was my uncle,
Then that
also made him brother
To the
widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of
course, was my step-mother.
Father's
wife then had a son,
Who kept
them on the run.
And he
became my grandson,
For he was
my daughter's son.
My wife is
now my mother's mother
And it
makes me blue.
Because,
although she is my wife,
She's my
grandma too.
If my wife
is my grandmother,
Then I am
her grandchild.
And every
time I think of it,
It simply
drives me wild.
For now I
have become
The
strangest case you ever saw.
As the
husband of my grandmother,
I am my own
grandpa.
A very modest lady applied for a job at the
factory where they
made the
"Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost
quitting
time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work
on Monday
and then explained she would be stationed on the
assembly
line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.
Monday they started up the line and within
twenty minutes had to
shut it
down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went
down the
line to find the problem. The new employee was very
busy trying
to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting
for her.
Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth
bags
containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the
dolls.
When the
boss could control his laughter he said, "Lady, I said
to give
each doll two test-tickles."
;-)
One day when the teacher walked to the black
board, she noticed
someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned
around,
scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding
none, she
quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next
day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger
letters,
the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she
looked
around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she
proceeded
with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a
week, she
went into the classroom and found the same disgusting
word
written on the board, each day's word, larger than the
previous
day's word.
Finally,
one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the
same word
on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more
you rub it,
the bigger it gets!"
A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing.
The Jewish man
commented
upon what a wise people the Chinese are.
"Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our
culture is over 4,000 years
old. But,
you Jews are a very wise people, too."
The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture
is over 5,000 years
old."
The Chinese
man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he
replied.
"Where did your people eat for a thousand years?"
;-)
Seems there was this nasty biker riding his
hawg down the icey
highway one
cold day in Colorado, when he spots a cat lying in
the middle
of the road. The biker thinks to himself, "I'll cut
that cat in
two"' and he bears down on it hard. As he gets
closer, he
suddenly realizes that it's not a cat, it's a large
piece of
metal lying in the road. Too late!
His front
wheel plows into it and he's sent flying over the
handlebars
onto the road at 80 MPH. Well, when he arrives in
Hell, who should be welcoming the new arrivals
but the Devil
himself. As
the Devil shakes the (ex)biker's hand, he asks
mockingly,
"So,
how do you like it here?"
The bad-ass
biker replies, "Man, this is one COOL place!"
The old
Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he
decides to
crank up the thermostat a notch. The next day, the
Devil seeks
out the biker and asks, "So, how do you like it
now?"
Still the
bad-ass biker responds by saying, "This is great
Reminds me
of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot
afternoons
in August."
Naturally,
the Devil is only more angered, and cranks the heat
up as far
as it can go. The next day, Hell is as hot as it gets.
The Devil again asks the biker how he likes it.
Undaunted, the
biker
proclaims, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and
robbed
those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"
Now the
Devil is just plain pissed, so he turns the thermostat
all the way
down. The next morning, he finds the biker again and
asks,
"OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?"
With
icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker
inquires,
"W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos
f-f-finally
w-w-win the Super Bowl?"
;-)
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with
stealing several
paintings
from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime,
breaking
in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the
goods, he
was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline
van ran out
of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime
and then make
such an
obvious error, he replied:
(brace
yourself) ... (this is going to hurt) ... (really bad.) ...
"I had
no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
;-)
AD: Bevor mann/frau sich kennenlernen wollen,
sollten sie mal zusammen ins Bett gehen.
Dann merken sie schon, ob sie zusammen passen.
Dann ist das andere nur noch ein Post-Ludium.
Dann hat mann/frau schon viel Zeit gespart, mit dem Kennenlernen.
Siehe Luther: Er oder sie er'kannte sein Weib oder ihren Mann.
Luther war gar nicht so dumm, wie es sich die heutigen Zeit-Genossen
denken mögen.
Auch wenn ich nicht so auf seine Version von Religion stehe.
Ein paar Sprüche von ihm finde ich gut: "Ist die Rut gut, tuts der Fut gut".
A young man walked up and sat down at the bar.
"What can I get
you?"
the bartender inquired. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"
responded
the young man.
"6
shots?? Are you celebrating something?" Yeah, my first
blowjob,"
the man answered. "Well, in that case, let me give you
a 7th on
the house."
"No
offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste,
nothing
will."
;-)
An elderly woman walked into a doctor's office
and told the
doctor that
she and her husband had not been intimate in years.
She said that her husband seemed to have a lack
of desire. After
listening
to the woman for a while, the doctor said, "I have
just the
thing. Have your husband take two of these pills right
before
dinner...."
The next morning, the woman stormed into the
doctor's office and
exclaimed,
"You have to change my husband's prescription!! It is
much too
strong!! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like
you told
me, and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got
a wild look
in his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the
table
breaking all of the dishes!! Then he threw me onto the
table, and
we made love right there!!
"I
feel awful," said the doctor. "Let me at least pay for all of
the broken
dishes."
"Don't worry about it," replied the
woman, "we just won't eat at
that
restaurant any more!!"
;-)
Sam has been in the mental health business for
25 years and is
finally
sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres
of land in
Vermont as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees
the postman once a week and gets his groceries once a
month.
Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months
or so of
almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when
someone
knocks on the door. He opens it and there is a big,
bearded
Vermonter standing there.
"Name's
Enoch...... your neighbor from four miles over the
ridge.....having
a party Saturday.....thought you'd like to
come."
"Great,"
says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet
some local
folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving, he stops,
"gotta
warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin."
"Not a
problem....after 25 years in the mental health business,
I can drink
with the best of them." Again, as he starts to
leave,
Enoch stops.
"More
'n' likely gonna be some fightin, too." Damn, Sam
thinks....tough
crowd.
"Well,
I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again,
Enoch turns from the door.
"I've
seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now
that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember, I've been alone
for six
months! I'll definitely be there.....by the way, what
should I
wear to the party?"
Enoch stops
at the door again and says, "Whatever you want, it's
just gonna
be the two of us."
;-)
There were these two guys who had gone to the
same college and
become
great friends. During college, they had a great time.
Anything that was going on, they were always
right in the middle
of it. When
they graduated, however, they each went their own
separate
way. Two or three years later, they ran into one
another on
the street. They were very happy to see each other,
and, during
the conversation, one of them asked the other what
he was
doing for work.
"I'm
an undertaker", responded the friend.
"That
doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always
the one
looking for excitement."
"There
is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the
friend.
"Just
the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a
hotel room.
When I entered the room, he was laying there on the
bed, stark
naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to take
him out
like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave
it a good
swat.....You want to talk about excitement, I was in
the wrong
room!!!"
;-)
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow
really hurts. I guess
I should
see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!!
There's a
computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything,
quicker and
cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of
your urine
and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell
you what
you can do about it. It only costs $10."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he
filled a jar with a
urine
sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer,
he poured
in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer
started
making some noises and the various lights started
flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper
on which
was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in
warm water.
Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
...
Late that evening while thinking how amazing
this new technology
was and how
it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if
this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He
mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his
dog and
urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off,
he
masturbated into the concoction.
...
He went back to the drug store, located the
machine, poured in
the sample
and deposited the $10. The machine made the usual
noise and
printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is
too hard.
Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Give him
vitamins.
Your daughter's on drugs. Put her in rehab. Your
wife's
pregnant. It ain't yours - get a lawyer. And if you don't
stop
jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
;-)
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full
of fruit. "Now
class, I'm
going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of
fruit, and
you tell what fruit I'm talking about."
"Okay,
first: it's round, plump and red." Of course, Johnny
raised his
hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and
picked
Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
...
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your
thinking. Now for the
second.
It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well,
Johnny is
hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the
teacher to
call on him. But she skips him again and calls on
Billy.
"Is it a peach?"
...
"No,
Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking.
Here's
another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now
Johnny is
about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The
teacher
skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she
says.
...
"No," the teacher replies, "it's
a squash, but I like your
thinking."
...
Johnny is
kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey,
I've got
one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket.
Okay, I've
got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
...
"Johnny!" she cries."That's
disgusting!"
"Nope,"
answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your
thinking!
;-)
A man is in
a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he
accidentally bumps into
a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her
breast. They
are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if
your heart is as soft
as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She
replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in
room
436."
;-)
A pretty girl is driving through the West. Her
car runs out of
gas, and an
Indian comes along on a horse, and gives her a ride
to a gas
station. Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop
that would
curdle milk. Finally, he drops her off with a final
Yaaaaa-Hooo! and gallops off. "My
God!" says the gas station
guy,
"What the hell were you doing to that Injun to make him
holler like
that?"
"Why,
nothing," says the girl, "I just sat behind him with my
arms around
him, holding onto his saddle horn."
"Lady,"says
the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."
;-)
A man was sitting on his front porch one
morning and saw a young
couple
moving next door. The husband of the couple opened the
moving van,
removed a hammock and proceded to set up the hammock
in the back
yard.
Meanwhile,
his wife was working feverishly unloading boxes.
After a while, the young lady emerged from the
house with a cold
beer and a
pillow and gave them to her husband. She then
proceded to
cut the grass and clean up the yard.
This
infuriated the man who was watching, so he walked next door
to give the
husband a piece of his mind. "Sir," he said angrily,
"you
ought to be hung!"
The
neighbor replied, "I am, my friend."
;-)
A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people
who have all had
experiences
with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a
ghost?"
Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks:
"Who here has spoken
with a
ghost?"
Half the audience puts up their hands.
"And who here has touched
a
ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands.
He asks: "And who here has made love with
a ghost?" One little
man in the
back row puts up his hand...
The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at
the little man
and says:
"Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a
ghost?"
The man
replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you
correctly.
I thought you said 'goat'."
;-)
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged
couple and a
young
newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said,
"We have special requirements for new
parishioners. You must
abstain
from having sex for two weeks."
...
The couples agreed and came back at the end of
two weeks. The
pastor went
to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to
abstain
from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man
replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations!
Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor
went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were
you able to
abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not
too bad. The second
week I had
to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but,
yes, we
made it."
"Congratulations!
Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
...
The pastor
then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well,
were you
able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No
Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two
weeks,"
the young man replied sadly.
"What
Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My
wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and
dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome
with lust
and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you
will not be welcome
in our
church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man.
"We're not welcome at Home Depot
anymore
either."
;-)
This sweet young thing enters a doctor's office
for her annual
physical.
The doctor has her disrobe and sit on the examining
table.
Right off he notices a rash all across her chest in the
shape of an
"H". "How did that happen?" he asks. She says, "My
boyfriend
is a big football star at Harvard, and he won't take
off his
letter sweater when we fool around."
Strange, thinks the doctor, but to each his
own. Some time later
another
sweet young thing enters the same doctor's office for
her annual
physical. Same drill disrobe, and sit on the
examining
table. The doctor notices an almost identical rash on
this girl's
chest, only this time, it's in the shape of a "Y".
"How did you get this rash?" the
doctor asks. The sweet young
thing
replies, "Oh, my boyfriend is a letter man at Yale, and he
won't take
his sweater off when we fool around." "Oh" says the
doctor.
...
Not a half hour after this young lady leaves,
another sweet
young thing
comes in for her annual physical. Again the doctor
notices a
rash on her chest in the shape of a giant "M". The
doctor
says, "Don't tell me, your boyfriend goes to Minnesota
State!"
"No" says the sweet young thing. "But I have a
girlfriend
who goes to Wellesley."
;-)
Jim woke up one morning and looked for his
wife, but his wife
wasn't
there. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in
the
kitchen. Jim was afraid he might spoil things by getting up,
so he
called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
The wife
answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:
Take The Tent Pole Down
Put The Canvas Away
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage
No Circus Today.
So he sent
another note down. It read:
THE
TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND
THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD
To which
she replied:
I'M
SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE
BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND!
;-)
A man was walking along the beach and found a
bottle. He looked
around and
didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared
and thanked
the man letting him out. The genie said, "For your
kindness I
will grant you one wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I
have always wanted to
go to
Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of
flying and
ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for
a road to
be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said,
"No, I can't do
that. Just
think of all the work involved with the pilings
needed to
hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be
to reach
the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that
would be
needed. No ... that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the
genie, "There is
one other
thing I have always wanted. I want to understand
women. What
makes them laugh? What make them cry? Why are they
temperamental?
And why are they so difficult to get along with?
Basically,
what makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes; then
said, "So, do you
want two
lanes or four ?"
;-)
I am absolutely not making this incident up; in
fact I have it
all on
videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in
Oregon,
which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a
45-foot,
eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach. The
responsibility
for getting rid of the carcass was placed on the
Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the
theory that
highways
and whales are very similar in the sense of being large
objects.
So anyway,
the highway engineers hit upon the plan -- remember,
I am not making this up -- of blowing up the
whale with
dynamite.
The thinking is that the whale would be blown into
small
pieces, which would be eaten by seagulls, and that would
be that. A
textbook whale removal.
So they moved the spectators back up the beach,
put a half-ton
of dynamite
next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not
guilty of
understatement when I say that what follows, on the
videotape,
is the most wonderful event in the history of the
universe.
First you see the whale carcass disappear in a huge
blast of
smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy spectators
shouting
"Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone
changes.
You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's
voice
shouting "Here come pieces of...MY GOD!" Something smears
the camera
lens.
Later, the reporter explains: "The humor
of the entire situation
suddenly
gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale
blubber
fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car
parked more
than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the
beach were
several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium
units.
There was no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt
permanently
relocated to Brazil.
This is a
very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we
watch it
often, especially at parties. But this is no time for
gaiety.
This is a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon
State
Highway Division and ask them, when they get done cleaning
up the
beaches, to give us an estimate on the average IQ of
their
employees.
;-)
Quotes
Taken from actual performance evaluations:
"Since my last report, this employee has
reached rock bottom and
has started
to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but
only out of morbid
curiosity."
"I
would not allow this employee to breed."
"This
associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of
a
definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant
supervision and cornered like a
rat in a
trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that
this is only to change
whichever
foot was previously in there."
"He
would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This
young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He
sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve
them."
"This employee should go far -- and the
sooner he starts, the
better."
"This employee
is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"Hope
you guy's get this, if not tooooooooooo bad..."
If you are considering doing some camping this
Spring and
Summer,
please note the following public service announcement:
In Alaska,
tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their
clothing
when hiking in bear country.
...
The bells warn away MOST bears (grizzly, black,
etc.) but be
careful
because they don't scare Kodiak/brown bears. Tourists
are
cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying
particular
attention to bear droppings to be alert for the
presence of
Kodiak/brown bears. One can easily spot a
Kodiak/brown
bear's droppings. Those are the droppings that
contain
those tiny bells.
;-)
ARTHUR ANDERSON: Deregulation of the chicken's
side of the road
was
threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was
faced with
significant challenges to create and develop the
competencies
required for the newly competitive market. Andersen
Consulting, in a partnering relationship with
the client, helped
the chicken
by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
implementation
processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model
(PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its
skills,
methodologies,
knowledge capital and experiences to align the
chicken's
people, processes and technology in support of its
overall
strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen
Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of
road analysts
and best
chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep
skills in
the transportation industry to engage in a two-day
itinerary
of meetings in order to leverage their personal
knowledge
capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them
to
synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit
goals of
delivering and successfully architecting and
implementing
and enterprise wide value framework across the
continuum
of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was
held in a
park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful
environment
which was strategically based, industry-focused, and
built upon
a consistent, clear, and unified market message and
aligned
with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.
This was conducive towards the creation of a
total business
integration
solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken
change to
become more successful.
KINDERGARTEN
TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For
the greater good.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY
LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment
would let
it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of
rebellion and we
were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it f.....g wanted to.
That's the f.....g
reason.
RONALD
REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN
JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.
HIPPOCRATES:
Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
JOHNNY
ROTTEN: Because it was stapled to the punk rocker.
JOHNNY CARSON: Because it heard there was a man
over there
laying
bricks and it wanted to see for itself!
LOUIS
FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man.
The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to
trample him and
keep him
down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world
where all chickens
will be
free to cross roads without having their motives called
into
question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and
He said unto the
chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed
the road,
and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your
own eyes. How
many more
chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M.
NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,
the chicken
did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken
crossed the road. Who
cares why?
The end of crossing the road justifies whatever
motive
there was.
JERRY
SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why
doesn't
anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this
chicken
doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The
fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000,
which will
not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important
documents, and balance your cheque book.
OLIVER
STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross
the
road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same
time, whom
we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken
crossing?"
DARWIN:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been
naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically
disposed to
cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road
or the road moved
beneath the
chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking
this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross
the road... it
transcended
it.
COLONEL
SANDERS: I missed one?
ERNEST
HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
;-)
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it
loose," into Spanish, where it
was read as
"Suffer from diarrhea."
Scandinavian
vacuum cleaner manufacturer Electrolux used the
following
in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an
Electrolux".
Clairol
introduced their "Mist Stick" curling iron into Germany,
only to
find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many
people had
use for a "Manure Stick."
When Gerber Started selling baby food in
Africa, they used the
same
packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby
on the
label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies
routinely
put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most
people
can't read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France
called Cue, the name
of a
notorious porn mag.
An American
t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
Spanish
market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I
saw the
Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la
papa).
Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi
Generation" translated into
"Pepsi
brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a
strong man to make a
tender
chicken" was translated into Spanish as "It takes an
aroused man
to make a chicken affectionate."
The
Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la",
meaning
"Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with
wax,"
depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000
characters
to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le,"
translating
into "happiness in the mouth."
When Parker
Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads
were
supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and
embarrass
you." Instead, the company thought that the word
"embarazar"
(to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read:
"It
won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.
This essay comes from an unknown writer, but
apparently got the
person
accepted into a good school.
See, Section
3a. Essay for Admissions:
In Order For The Admissions Staff Of Our
College To Get To Know
You, The
Applicant, Better, We Ask That You Answer The Following
Question: Are There Any Significant Experiences
You Have Had, Or
Accomplishments
You Have Realized, That Have Helped To Define
You As A
Person?
...
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls
and crushing
ice. I have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch
breaks,
making them more efficient in the area of heat
retention.
I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write
award-winning
operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I
tread water
for three days in a row.
...
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike
trombone playing, I can
pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I
cook
Thirty- Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert
in stucco,
a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
...
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I
once
single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin
from a
horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I
was scouted
by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous
documentaries.
When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges
in my yard.
I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after
school, I
repair electrical appliances free of charge.
...
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst,
and a ruthless
bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of
corduroy
evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen,
yet I
receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have
won the
weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a
traveling
centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft
floral
arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
circles.
Children trust me.
...
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving
objects [ie. Tennis balls] with deadly
accuracy. I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David
Copperfield in one day and still had time to
refurbish an entire
dining room
that evening. I know the exact location of every
food item
in the supermarket. I have performed several covert
operations
for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I
sleep in a
chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated
with a group of terrorists who had seized a small
bakery. The
laws of physics do not apply to me.
...
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my
bills are all
paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in
full-contact
origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life
but forgot
to write it down. I have made extraordinary four
course
meals using only a moulinex and a toaster oven. I breed
prize
winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving
competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed
open-heart
surgery,
and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have
not yet gone to college.
;-)
The FAA has a device for testing the strength
of windshields on
airplanes.
They point this thing at the windshield of the
aircraft
and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-
craft
normally flies at it. [About 600 mph]. If the windshield doesn't break,
it's likely
to survive a real collision with a bird during
flight.
...
The British had recently built a new locomotive
that could pull
a train
faster than any before it. [About 180 mph].They were not sure that its
windshield
was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device
from the
FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the
locomotive,
loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went
through the
windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a
major dent
in the back wall of the engine cab.
...
They were quite surprised with this result, so
they asked the
FAA to
check the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA checked everything and suggested that
they might want to
repeat the
test using a thawed chicken.
;-)
JOHANNESBURG, Dec 11 (Reuters) - Crime-obsessed
South Africans
have a new
and potent weapon with which to deter potential
criminals
-- the in-car flamethrower. ...
Casting a man-high fireball with no damage to
the paintwork, the
aptly named
Blaster has been fitted to 25 South African vehicles
since its
launch last month. At 3,900 rand ($655), it offers a
cheap and
dramatic defence against would-be car hijackers. It
has also
yet to be deemed illegal. ...
South
African courts sanction lethal action if they can be
persuaded
that someone acted in defence of his or her life --
not
unheard-of in a country that suffered over 13,000 car
hijackings
last year. ...
The Blaster
fires liquified gas from a bottle in the vehicle
boot
through two nozzles, positioned under the front doors,
which is
then ignited by an electric spark, with ferocious
consequences.
...
Both sides
fire simultaneously, regardless of whether the attack
is coming
from just one side of the vehicle -- or whether
passersbys
are on the other side. ...
"My
personal feeling is that it would definitely blind a person
-- he will
never see again," said Charl Fourie, the Blaster's
33-year-old
inventor. ...
But he dismissed fears that the flamethrower --
whose breadth
and depth
of blast can be adjusted to need and is supplied by
gas
cannisters in sizes from three to nine kgs (6.6 to 19.8
pounds) --
could ever be responsible for a death. "This is
definitely
non-lethal...A person won't just stand there and let
you roast
him," he said. ...
Fourie has
filed an international patent application and
anticipates
thousands of orders, nationally and from abroad.
"The demand is huge," he told Reuters
Television. South Africa
has an
appalling reputation for violent crime and its first
national
survey, published on Thursday, found that 20 percent of
households
had experienced at least one incident in 1997. ...
Car
hijacking is one of the crimes South Africans most fear,
with criminals
often using weapons and showing little or no
hesitation
to kill for a car. ...
Police Superintendent David Walkley of
Johannesburg's crime
intelligence
unit was the Blaster's first customer and is
satisfied
it is all above board -- provided it is used corectly.
"There is nothing that says this is
illegal. It depends entirely
on the
circumstances and whether you can justify self-defence. ...
"Yes,
there are certain risks in using it, but there are also
risks in
not having anything at all," he said.
;-)
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after
the Exxon Valdez
oil spill
in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of
the most
expensively saved animals were released back into the
wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later
they were
both eaten by a killer whale.
;-)
A psychology student in New York rented out her
spare room to a
carpenter in
order to nag him constantly and study his
reactions.
After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her
repeatedly
with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay
enough postage on a
letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting
it was his bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
;-)
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine
months, saying he
lacked
"intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million
severance
package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence...
Police in
Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers
discovered that
the man was
standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and
give
himself up...
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun
kidnapped a motorist
and forced
him to drive to two different automated teller
machines.
The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from
his own
bank accounts...
A
9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day
suspension
under his elementary school's drug policy last week -
for Certs!
Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the
mints would
make him "jump higher."
And a
student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days
for giving
a classmate a cough drop.
School
principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's
"zero-tolerance"
policy...not to be confused with the
"zero-intelligence"
policy...
;-)
In case you
needed further proof that the human race is doomed,
here are
some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears
hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. ...
On a bag of
Fritos:
You could
be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ...
On a bar of
Dial soap:
Directions:
Use like regular soap.
...
Some
Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a
hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
...
On Tesco's
Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn
upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
...
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product
will be hot after heating
...
On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron
clothes on body
...
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not
drive car or operate machinery
...
On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause
drowsiness
...
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of
children
...
On a string
of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
...
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used
for the other use
...
On Sainsbury's Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts
...
On an
American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
...
On a
Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
...
The police officer that works with the DARE
program at my
husband's
elementary school passed this warning on to us and now
I share it
with you. ...
If you're ever driving after dark and see an
on-coming car with
no
headlights turned on, DO NOT flash your lights at them! This
is a common
gang member "initiation game" that goes like this:
the new
gang member under initiation drives along with no
headlights
and the first car to flash their headlights at him is
now his
"target". ...
He is now
required to turn around and chase that car and shoot
at or into
the car in order to complete his initiation
requirements.
...
Watch out for a new trend that's occurring.
Drug users are now
taking
their used needles and putting them into the coin return
slots in
public telephones. People are putting their fingers in
to recover
coins or just to check for change and are getting
stuck by
these needles, which are infected with hepatitis, HIV,
and other
diseases. This message is intended to make everyone
aware of
this danger. Parents be aware! Kids are naturally drawn
to check
for change. The change isn't worth it! This information
came
straight from phone company workers, through an EMT
instructor,
advising the paramedics to be aware of this new
trend. ...
came in off
the road and told me ...
He went to deliver a pkg... he knocked on door.
... reply came "who
is
it?" He answered Fed Ex. ...
He waited 2
minutes no one came to the door....he knocked
again....reply
came "who is it?" He answer Fed EX!.....he waited
another
couple of minutes no one came to door. He figured I'll
give it one
more try....He knocked again...the same reply came
"who is it?" He said LADY ITS FED EX.
... figuring maybe she was
hard of
hearing.....but no one came to the door......
On his way down the driveway a car pulled up
and a lady stepped
out and
said "you have a package for me?" in the same voice as
the person
who said "who is it?"
He told her
what happened when he knocked on her door. ...
she then
showed him her "who is it" parrot :)
A couple had been married for 50 years. They
were sitting at the
breakfast
table one morning when the old gentleman said to his
wife,
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah."
she replied. "Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting
here at this breakfast table together."
"I
know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked
as jaybirds
fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What
do you say… should we get
naked?"
Where upon
the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the
table.
"You
know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are
as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I
wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One is in your
coffee and
the other is in your oatmeal!
A woman decides that she's had it with trying
to find a decent
man in a
bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she
is seeking
a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover.
After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens
the door and
sees a man
in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. He says,
"I'm
here about your ad."
Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well,
how do I know you're
loyal?"
"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in Nam. That's
where I
lost my arms and legs," he replies.
"Well,
how do I know you're rich?" she inquires.
"I
make over 3 million a year. I have my own software company.
You can
look at my bank statement," he continues.
Looking him over in his wheelchair, she
demands, "Well, how do I
know you're
a good lover?"
He shrugs,
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
;-)
There is a guy who really takes care of his body.
He lifts
weights and
jogs five miles every day.
One morning
he looks in to the mirror and admired his body. He
noticed
that he is really sun-tanned,
all over,
except his penis, and decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed and
buried himself in
the sand, except for his penis, which he left
sticking out.
Two little old ladies were strolling along the
beach and one
looked down
and said, "There really is no justice in this world".
The other
little old lady said - "What do you mean?"
The first
little old lady sadly said - "Look at that."
...
When I was
10 years old, I was afraid of it.
When I was
20 years old, I was curious about it.
When I was
30 years old, I enjoyed it.
When I was
40 years old, I asked for it.
When I was
50 years old, I paid for it.
When I was
60 years old, I prayed for it.
When I was
70 years old, I forgot about it. ...
And now
that I am 80, these damned things are growing wild...
;-)
While there
is no such thing as a "born lover," sexual techniques can be learned.
Recently, a
panel of the world's most respected relationship experts developed the
following
list of recommendations that can help even the most accomplished lover:
1. Be
single.
2. Have
lots of money. The experts all agreed: Money is sexy!
3. If you're already married, get divorced.
Married people rarely have sex,
and when
they do, it is oftentimes not with their spouses.
4. If
divorce is not feasible due to circumstances such as
loving your
spouse or owning a house together, then don't have children.
Children
are to a hot sex life as Siphylis are to Abstinence.
5. Don't
have a job. Work is time-consuming and can leave you feeling tired.
For a great
sex life, you'll need time and energy!
6. Drive a shiny Lexus. Studies have shown that
people who own shiny Lexi
enjoy a
high frequency of copulation and lead more satisfying lives in general.
7. Wear
fancy clothes.
8. Go to a
bar that other horny single people are known to frequent.
Horny
singles are often looking to have sex.
9. Don't be picky. The experts said that by
lowering your standards,
you can
increase your universe of possible sexual partners.
10. Men,
buy drinks for women. Alcohol has been shown to increase sexual drive
while it
lessens inhibitions.
11. Women,
drink up!
12. Use
clever conversational techniques to indicate your interest in casual sex.
For
example, say "Hello," or, "Got a light?"
13. Avoid
using such phrases as "I have crabs."
14. If you
don't smoke, learn to. Not only does smoking provide
an
excellent reason for saying, "Got a light?" but sucking on
burning,
carcinogenic material shows you'll put most anything in your mouth.
15. Mention
your shiny Lexus.
16.
Concentrate on secreting pheromones,
which will
convey on a molecular level your desirability and sexual prowess.
Send out
thought beams to corroborate.
17. Men,
buy Jell-O shots. Jell-O is an efficient alcohol-delivery system. Plus, it
wiggles!
18. Women,
down the hatch!
19. When it
nears time for the bar to close, suggest that the two of you go back to your
house.
20. If the
other person asks what for, answer, "To do some stuff."
21. On the
way home, test the waters by performing oral sex on your partner.
It's best
to try this only if you're not the one driving.
22.
Remember: Don't drink and drive.
23. At your
house, smoke marijuana and watch a pornographic video.
24. Say,
"This video is getting me really hot. Let's screw."
25. Screw.
The panel of experts said that screwing is an excellent way to have a better
sex life.
Screwing
long and screwing often, they said, are signs of a healthy sex life.
Making love
is no substitute for screwing.
26. Men,
keep in mind that for women, sex is as much an emotional experience as it is a
physical one.
Tell your
partner you love her. Say it like you mean it.
27. Women,
know that for men, sex is all about ejaculating.
Don't let
your partner do it until you've gotten yours.
28. Some
people like to talk during sex. That's fine. Just be sure to enunciate.
29. A good
sex life means feeling comfortable in bed.
Two
consenting adults shouldn't be embarrassed to do anything - except licking
toes.
Feet are
ugly and dirty and should be avoided.
If your
partner asks you to lick his or her toes, the experts recommend that you leave.
30. The
next morning, call your partner a cab.
31. Be sure he or she doesn't intentionally
leave behind any personal items
that might
require a second meeting.
32. Call
your married friends to tell them you got lucky last night, so that they may
vicariously
live
through you [And the Envy].
33. Repeat
tips Nos. 8-33 until you've achieved a more robust and satisfying sex life.
Good luck
and enjoy!
;-)
A man and a
woman are riding next to each other in first class.
The man
sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off.
The woman
can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He
pulls out his wang
and wipes
the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't
believe that
such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The
man sneezes
yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip
off. The
woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and
says,
"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've
removed
your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell
kind of
degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have
disturbed you, ma'am. I
have a very
rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an
orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man
looks at her and says, "Pepper."
;-)
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a
round of golf
and their
wives went along as caddies.
While walking around the course the English
man's wife caught
her foot in
a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on
the ground.
Her skirt was over her head revealing that she
wasn't
wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and
angrily
demanded a reason for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained,
"you give me so little allowance
that I have
to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The
Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's and
Spencer's and get some
knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife
caught her foot on
a molehill,
tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again
her skirt
was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing
any knickers
either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily
demanded a
reason for her lack of undergarments.
Well
darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I
cannot
afford to buy undergarments."
With that
the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and
said,
"Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some
knickers."
Three holes
further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot
on an
exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over
her head
revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her
explanation
to her irate husband was the same as the others.
Simply a
lack of allowance.
The
Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's
a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."
As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you
no doubt have
many
questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this
sensitive
and frank "question and answer" format, noted sex
therapist
Dr Ruth explains everything you've ever wondered
about.
Q: Where
can I find the man of my dreams ?
A: This is
a difficult question, since every virgin probably has
a different
ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming
should act
and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr
Right, I can give you a good suggestion on
where to start - and
that's in a
bar. That's right, go to a bar... preferably the
kind that
smells of stale beer and lots of men crowded around
watching a
sports event on television. Pick a man that looks
interesting
- it's best to stay away from the shallow "pretty
boys"
in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I
recommend
you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly
reassuring
pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a
few beers,
then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you
from there.
Q: How do I
know if I found Mr Right ?
A:
Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I
suggest you
try out many different kinds of men and many
different
kinds of bars.
Q: Do men
like aggresive virgins?
A:
Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy -
so it's up
to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be
afraid to
approach men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in
restrooms.
Break the ice with simple "hello", followed by an
offer to
buy them dinner, drinks - even an expensive gift. Then
invite them
to back to your place.
Q: What if
a man's married ?
A: Go for
it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable
experience
a married man possesses, without being tied down by
any sort of
commitment.
Q: But what
if I fall in love with a married man ?
A: This is
a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find
yourself
pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and
family. If
he says his wife doesn't understand him and he's
thinking of
leaving her, believe him and continue your
relationship,
secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good
his
promise. Married men rarely lie about such important
matters.
Q: How do I
know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: Ask your
boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When
it comes to
love and sex, experienced men are much more
responsible,
since they're not confused emotionally as virgins.
It's a
proven fact.
Q: Should I
have sex on the first date ?
A: YES.
Before if possible.
Q: What
exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again,
this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is
that you must do whatever he tells you without
question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain
things that
may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long
should the sex act last ?
A: This is
a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel
ashamed or
embarrassed. After your man has finished making love,
he'll have
a natural desire to leave you suddenly,
and go out
with his
friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such
as going
out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of
consuming
large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal
thoughts
with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone
you
can busy yourself by doing his laundry,
cleaning his
apartment,
or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive
gift. He'll
come back when he's ready.
Q: What is
"afterplay" ?
A: After a
man has finished making love, he needs to replenish
his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important
activities
for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes
lighting
his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing
him a few
beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out
and buy him
an expensive gift.
Q: Does the
size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes.
Although many virgins believe that quality, not
quantity,
is important, studies show this is simply not true.
The average
erect male penis measures about six centimeters.
Anything longer than that is extremely rare
and, if by some
chance your
lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or over,
you should
go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and
do
everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry,
cleaning
his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What
about the orgasm ?
A: What
about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
Q: Are you
sure ?
A: Will you
stop asking so many questions ? Do you distrust
experienced
men or something? Instead, prove how much you care
for your
boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive
gift.
Caress,
praise, pamper, relish, savour, massage, make plans,
fix, empathize,
serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize,
bathe,
humour, placate, stimulate, stroke, console, purr, hug,
coddle,
excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate,
nuzzle,
smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply,
accessorize,
leave, return, beseech, entertain, charm, lug, show
equality
for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl,
shower,
shave, trust, grovel, defend, detoxify, sanctify, help,
clothe,
brag about, acknowledge, polish, spoil, embrace, accept,
understand,
nurse, respect, kill for, die for, dream of, tease,
snuggle,
snoozle, snurfle, rub, tickle, taste, nibble, gratify,
take her
places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her
existence,
diddle, undulate, indulge, dazzle, amaze, enchant,
idolize,
worship, and then go back and do it again.
How To
Satisfy A Man Every Time:
Show up
naked.
Arthur Schopenhauer: Über die Weiber
Mit den Mädchen hat es die
Natur auf Das, was man im dramaturgischen Sinne, einen
Knalleffekt nennt, abgesehen, indem sie dieselben, auf wenige
Jahre, mit überreichlicher Schönheit, Reiz und Fülle ausstattet,
auf Kosten ihrer ganzen übrigen Lebenszeit, damit sie nämlich,
während jener Jahre, der Phantasie eines Mannes sich in dem Maße
bemächtigen könnten, daß er hingerissen wird, die Sorge für sie
auf Zeit Lebens, in irgend einer Form, ehrlich zu übernehmen; zu
welchem Schritte ihn zu vermögen, die bloße vernünftige
Ueberlegung keine hinlänglich sichere Bürgschaft zu geben
schien. Sonach hat die Natur das Weib, eben wie jedes andere
ihrer Geschöpfe, mit den Waffen und Werkzeugen ausgerüstet,
deren es zur Sicherung seines Daseins bedarf, und auf die Zeit,
da es ihrer bedarf; wobei sie denn auch mit ihrer gewöhnlichen
Sparsamkeit verfahren ist. Wie nämlich die weibliche Ameise,
nach der Begattung, die fortan überflüssigen, ja, für das
Brutverhältniß gefährlichen Flügel verliert; so meistens nach
einem oder zwei Kindbetten, das Weib seine Schönheit;
wahrscheinlich sogar aus dem selben Grunde. Dem entsprechend
halten die jungen Mädchen ihre häuslichen, oder gewerblichen
Geschäfte, in ihrem Herzen, für Nebensache, wohl gar für bloßen
Spaß: als ihren allein ernstlichen Beruf betrachten sie die
Liebe, die Eroberungen und was damit in Verbindung steht, wie
Toilette, Tanz u. s. w. Je edler und vollkommener eine Sache
ist, desto später und langsamer gelangt sie zur Reife. Der Mann
erlangt die Reife seiner Vernunft und Geisteskräfte kaum vor dem
acht und zwanzigsten Jahre; das Weib mit dem achtzehnten. Aber
es ist auch eine Vernunft danach: eine gar knapp gemessene.
Daher bleiben die Weiber ihr Leben lang Kinder, sehn immer nur
das Nächste, kleben an der Gegenwart, nehmen den Schein der
Dinge für die Sache und ziehn Kleinigkeiten den wichtigen
Angelegenheiten vor. Die Vernunft nämlich ist es, vermöge deren
der Mensch nicht, wie das Thier, bloß in der Gegenwart lebt,
sondern Vergangenheit und Zukunft übersieht und bedenkt; woraus
dann seine Vorsicht, seine Sorge und häufige Beklommenheit
entspringt. Der Vortheile, wie der Nachtheile, die Dies bringt,
ist das Weib, in Folge seiner schwächern Vernunft, weniger
theilhaft; vielmehr ist derselbe ein geistiger Myops, indem sein
intuitiver Verstand in der Nähe scharf sieht, hingegen einen
engen Gesichtskreis hat, in welchen das Entfernte nicht fällt;
daher eben alles Abwesende, Vergangene, Künftige, viel schwächer
auf die Weiber wirkt, als auf uns, woraus denn auch der bei
ihnen viel häufigere und bisweilen an Verrücktheit grenzende
Hang zur Verschwendung entspringt. Die Weiber denken in ihrem
Herzen, die Bestimmung der Männer sei, Geld zu verdienen, die
ihre hingegen, es durchzubringen; wo möglich schon bei Lebzeiten
des Mannes, wenigstens aber nach seinem Tode. Schon daß der Mann
das Erworbene ihnen zur Haushaltung übergiebt, bestärkt sie in
dem Glauben. - So viele Nachtheile Dies alles zwar mit sich fü
hrt, so hat es doch das Gute, daß das Weib mehr in der Gegenwart
aufgeht, als wir, und daher diese, wenn sie nur erträglich ist,
besser genießen, woraus die dem Weibe eigenthümliche Heiterkeit
hervorgeht, welche sie zur Erholung, erforderlichen Falles zum
Troste des sorgenbelasteten Mannes eignet. In schwierigen
Angelegenheiten, nach Weise der alten Germanen, auch die Weiber
zu Rathe zu ziehn, ist keineswegs verwerflich: denn ihre
Auffassungsweise der Dinge ist von der unsrigen ganz verschieden
und zwar besonders dadurch, daß sie gern den kürzesten Weg zum
Ziele und überhaupt das zunächst Liegende ins Auge faßt, über
welches wir, eben weil es vor unserer Nase liegt, meistens weit
hinwegsehn; wo es uns dann Noth thut, darauf zurückgeführt zu
werden, um die nahe und einfache Ansicht wieder zu gewinnen.
Hiezu kommt, daß die Weiber entschieden nüchterner sind, als
wir; wodurch sie in den Dingen nicht mehr sehn, als wirklich da
ist; während wir, wenn unsere Leidenschaften erregt sind, leicht
das Vorhandene vergrößern, oder Imaginäres hinzufügen. Aus der
selben Quelle ist es abzuleiten, daß die Weiber mehr Mitleid und
daher mehr Menschenliebe und Theilnahme an Unglücklichen zeigen,
als die Männer: hingegen aber im Punkte der Gerechtigkeit,
Redlichkeit und Gewissenhaftigkeit, diesen nachstehn. Denn in
Folge ihrer schwachen Vernunft übt das Gegenwärtige,
Anschauliche, unmittelbar Reale eine Gewalt über sie aus, gegen
welche die abstrakten Gedanken, die stehenden Maximen, die
festgefaßten Entschlüsse, überhaupt die Rücksicht auf
Vergangenheit und Zukunft, auf Abwesendes und Entferntes, selten
viel vermögen. - Demgemäß wird man als den Grundfehler des
weiblichen Charakters Ungerechtigkeit finden. Er entsteht
zunächst aus dem dargelegten Mangel an Vernünftigkeit und
Ueberlegung, wird zudem aber noch dadurch unterstützt, daß sie,
als die schwächeren, von der Natur nicht auf die Kraft, sondern
auf die List angewiesen sind: daher ihre instinktartige
Verschlagenheit und ihr unvertilgbarer Hang zum Lügen. Denn, wie
den Löwen mit Klauen und Gebiß, den Elephanten mit Stoßzähnen,
den Eber mit Hauern, den Stier mit Hörnern und die Sepia mit der
wassertrübenden Tinte, so hat die Natur das Weib mit
Verstellungskraft ausgerüstet, zu seinem Schutz und Wehr, und
hat alle die Kraft, die sie dem Manne als körperliche Stärke und
Vernunft verlieh, dem Weibe in Gestalt jener Gabe zugewendet.
Die Verstellung ist ihm demnach angeboren, deshalb auch fast so
sehr dem dummen, wie dem klugen Weibe eigen. Von derselben bei
jeder Gelegenheit Gebrauch zu machen ist ihm daher so natürlich,
wie jenen Thieren, bei Angriff, sogleich ihre Waffen anzuwenden,
und empfindet es sich dabei gewissermaßen als seine Rechte
gebrauchend. Darum ist ein ganz wahrhaftes, unverstelltes Weib
vielleicht unmöglich. Eben deshalb durchschauen sie fremde
Verstellung so leicht, daß es nicht rathsam ist, ihnen gegenü
ber, es damit zu versuchen. - Aus dem aufgestellten Grundfehler
und seinen Beigaben entspringt aber Falschheit, Treulosigkeit,
Verrath, Undank u. s. w. Der gerichtlichen Meineide machen
Weiber sich viel öfter schuldig, als Männer. Es ließe sich ü
berhaupt in Frage stellen, ob sie zum Eide zuzulassen sind. -
Von Zeit zu Zeit wiederholt sich überall der Fall, daß Damen,
denen nichts abgeht, in Kaufmannsläden etwas heimlich einstecken
und entwenden. Weil im Grunde die Weiber ganz allein zur
Propagation des Geschlechts da sind und ihre Bestimmung hierin
aufgeht; so leben sie durchweg mehr in der Gattung, als In den
Individuen, nehmen es in ihrem Herzen ernstlicher mit den
Angelegenheiten der Gattung, als mit den individuellen. Dies
giebt ihrem ganzen Wesen und Treiben einen gewissen Leichtsinn
und überhaupt eine von der des Mannes von Grund aus verschiedene
Richtung, aus welcher die so häufige und fast normale
Uneinigkeit in der Ehe erwächst. Das niedrig gewachsene,
schmalschultrige, breithüftige und kurzheinige Geschlecht das
schöne nennen konnte nur der vom Geschlechtstrieb umnebelte
männliche Intellekt: in diesem Triebe nämlich steckt seine ganze
Schönheit. Mit mehr Fug, als das schöne, könnte man das
weibliche Geschlecht das unästhetische nennen. Weder für Musik,
noch Poesie, noch bildende Künste haben sie wirklich und
wahrhaftig Sinn und Empfänglichkeit; sondern bloße Aefferei, zum
Behuf ihrer Gefallsucht, ist es, wenn sie solche affektiren und
vorgeben. Das macht, sie sind keines rein objektiven Antheils an
irgend etwas fähig, und der Grund hievon ist, denke ich,
folgender. Der Mann strebt in Allem eine direkte Herrschaft über
die Dinge an, entweder durch Verstehen oder durch Bezwingen
derselben. Aber das Weib ist immer und überall auf eine bloße
indirekte Herrschaft verwiesen, nämlich mittels des Mannes, als
welchen allein es direkt zu beherrschen hat. Darum liegt es in
der Weiber Natur, Alles nur als Mittel, den Mann zu gewinnen,
anzusehn, und ihr Antheil an irgend etwas Anderem ist immer nur
ein simulirter, ein bloßer Umweg, d. h. läuft auf Koketterie und
Aefferei hinaus. Sie sind sexus sequior [das geringere
Geschlecht], das in jedem Betracht zurückstehende, zweite
Geschlecht, dessen Schwäche man demnach schonen soll, aber
welchem Ehrfurcht zu bezeugen über die Maßen lächerlich ist und
uns in ihren eigenen Augen herabsetzt. Als die Natur das
Menschengeschlecht in zwei Hälften spaltete, hat sie den Schnitt
nicht gerade durch die Mitte geführt. Bei aller Polarität ist
der Unterschied des positiven vom negativen Pol kein bloß
qualitativer, sondern zugleich ein quantitativer. - So haben
eben auch die Alten und die orientalischen Völker die Weiber
angesehen und danach die ihnen angemessene Stellung viel
richtiger erkannt als wir mit unsrer altfranzösischen Galanterie
und abgeschmackter Weiberveneration, dieser höchsten Blüthe
christlich-germanischer Dummheit, welche nur gedient hat, sie so
arrogant und rücksichtslos zu machen, daß man bisweilen an die
heiligen Affen in Benares erinnert wird, welche, im Bewußtsein
ihrer Heiligkeit und Unverletzlichkeit, sich Alles und Jedes
erlaubt halten.
[1] Please, Don't Give Me That Shit!!!
I want
some more Dangling Ends. If you can Understand That!!!