Noologie, Teil V: Materialien und Texte
1. Zitate / Personen
1.1. Die ironische Erkenntnistheorie des Karl Valentin
Das Prinzip der ironischen Erkenntnistheorie wurde von Karl Valentin so ausgedrückt: "Nichts genaues weiss man nicht".
1.2. Parmenides: Vom Wesen des Seienden
Parmenides (1974)
B1
Die Pferde, die mich fahren so weit nur der Wille dringt,
zogen voran, da sie mich auf der Göttin vielkündenden Weg
gebracht hatten, der den wissenden Mann durch alle Städte führt.
Auf diesem Weg fuhr ich; denn dort fuhren mich die kundigen Pferde
den Wagen fortreißend; und Mädchen lenkten die Fahrt.
Die Achse in den Naben gab einen hellen Pfeifton,
glühend; so ward sie getrieben von zwei wirbelnden
Rädern zu beiden Seiten, wenn schleuniger sich beeilten
die Sonnentöchter, mich voranzufahren,
hinter sich lassend das Haus der Nacht,
dem Lichte zu, stoßend vom Kopf mit der Hand den Schleier.
Dort ist das Tor der Wege von Nacht und Tag,
und ein Türsturz umschließt es und steinerne Schwelle.
Das Tor selbst, aus Ätherlicht, ist ausgefüllt von großen Türflügeln.
Zu diesem Tor aber hat Dike, die vergeltende,
die ein- und auslassenden Schlüssel.
Ihr nun sprachen die Mädchen zu mit sanften Worten
und beredeten sie klug, daß sie ihnen den mit Bolzen versehenen Riegel
geschwind vom Tor zurückschöbe. Das aber flog auf und
machte weit den Schlund der Türflügel, indem es die erz-beschlagenen
Pfosten, mit Zapfen und Dornen eingefügt, nacheinander
in den Pfannen drehte. Dort also mitten hindurch
gerade dem Wege nach lenkten die Mädchen Wagen und Pferde.
...
Es ist für mich das Gleiche,
von wo ich anfange; denn dahin kehre ich wieder.
B2
Ich werde also vortragen - du aber nimm dich der Rede an, die du hörst -
welche Wege des Untersuchens allein zu erkennen sind.
Der eine, (der da lautet) "es ist, und Sein ist notwendig",
ist der Weg der Überzeugung; denn sie folgt der Evidenz.
Der andere, (der da lautet) "es ist nicht, und Nicht-Sein ist notwendig",
der ist, wie ich dir zeige, ein völlig unerfahrbarer Weg;
denn das Nicht-Seinende kannst du weder erkennen -
denn das läßt sich nicht verwirklichen -
noch aufzeigen. ...
B3
Denn dasselbe ist Erkennen und Sein. "to gar auto noein estin te kai einai"
B6
Richtig ist, das zu sagen und zu denken, daß Seiendes ist;
denn das kann sein;
Nichts ist nicht: Das heiße ich dich bedenken.
Denn zuerst halte dich von dem Weg des Suchens fern ...
...
Es ist oder es ist nicht.
...
Dasselbe aber ist Erkennen und das, woraufhin Erkenntnis ist.
Denn nicht ohne das Seiende, in welchem es ausgesprochen ist,
wirst du das Erkennen finden. Denn nichts anderes ist oder wird sein
außer dem Seienden, weil Moira es gebunden hat. ...
1.3. Dark Energy
The Columbia Encyclopedia, Sixth Edition. Copyright © 2004 Columbia University Press.
repulsive force that opposes the self-attraction of matter (see gravitation) and causes the expansion of the universe to accelerate. The search for dark energy was triggered by the discovery (1998) in images from the Hubble Space Telescope of a distant supernova that implied an accelerating, expanding universe, which in turn required a new cosmological model (see cosmology). Although dark energy is predicted in particle physics, it has never been directly observed. It is generally agreed, however, that dark energy dominates the universe, which is projected to have a composition of c.70% dark energy, c.30% dark matter, and c.0.5% bright stars.
The concept of dark energy was first proposed, and then discarded, by Albert Einstein early in the 20th cent. His theory of general relativity implied that the pull of gravity would make the universe collapse, but, like many scientists of his time, he assumed the universe to be static and unchanging. To make his equations fit these assumptions, Einstein added a “cosmological constant” whose effect was repulsive. When American astronomer Edwin Hubble discovered that the universe was expanding, it was assumed that the universe must be slowing down because of gravity and might even come to a halt. This led Einstein to remove the cosmological constant from his equations and to say that it had been the biggest blunder of his career.
1.4. Dark Matter
The Columbia Encyclopedia, Sixth Edition. Copyright © 2004 Columbia University Press.
material that is believed to make up (along with dark energy) more than 90% of the mass of the universe but is not readily visible because it neither emits nor reflects electromagnetic radiation, such as light or radio signals. Its existence would explain gravitational anomalies seen in the motion and distribution of galaxies. Dark matter can be detected only indirectly, e.g., through the bending of light rays from distant stars by its gravity.
Dark matter may consist of dust, planets, intergalactic gas formed of ordinary matter, or of MACHOs [Massive Astrophysical Compact Halo Objects], nonluminous bodies such as burned-out stars, black holes, and brown dwarfs; these are the so-called hot dark matter and would be dispersed uniformly throughout the universe. The discovery in 2001 of a large concentration of white dwarf stars in the halo surrounding the Milky Way indicates that these burned-out stars could represent as much as a third of the dark matter in the universe.
Other theories hold that it is made of elementary particles that played a key role in the formation of the universe, possibly the low-mass neutrino or theoretical particles called axions and WIMPs [Weakly Interacting Massive Particles]; these are the so-called cold dark matter and would be found in clumps throughout the universe.
...
See also interstellar matter.
See R. Morris, Cosmic Questions: Galactic Halos, Cold Dark Matter and the End of Time (1995); T. Van Flandern, Dark Matter, Missing Planets, and New Comets (2d ed. 1998); M. Hawkins, Hunting Down the Universe: The Missing Mass, Primordial Black Holes and Other Dark Matters (1999).
1.5. The Illuminati
(URL) http://a-albionic.com/pub/vendor/a-albionic/gopher/conspiracy/illuminati/illuminati.txt
Provided courtesy of A-albionic Research, PO Box 20273, Ferndale, MI 48220
fax 313-885-1181
e-mail: jhdaugh@mail.msen.com
...
Goethe and Herder were at times members of the Bavarian
Illuminati, and not only the Duke of Gotha, but also the Dukes of
Weimar and Brunswick, of course since it was Jesuitic in form and
heavily anti-Jesuitic in everything else...
At the end of 19th century the Illuminati-phobia was promoted and
used by the "Protokolle der Weisen von Zion" ["Protocols of the Elders
of Zion"] rsp. the literary Vorlage, a French anti-Napoleonic fiction,
and later by Ludendorff. So the Illuminati-phobia became closely
connected with Fascism's conspiracy theories.
The Illuminati no longer exist, but they influenced methods of
political conspiracy in 19th century and put the fear of a conspiracy
of masons, Jews, etc. in the views of the extreme right.
Informative is the Article Illuminaten in the Theologische
Realenzyclopedie (TRE), the large forthcoming protestant encyclopedia,
Bd.16,p.81-84, providing with the newest (serious!) literature.
Broader, but older, the article Illuminaten in Realenzyclopaedie
fuer protestantische Theologie und Kirche, Bd.9, Leipzig 1901,
p.61-68, mentioning the Spanish Alumbrados as using the same name and
existing later in France. The Realenzyclopaedie 3rd Edition is a very
serious work of late 19th century Historical Research and of course
from the viewpoint of German Kulturprotestantism.
Sources could be found sub Knigge and Weishaupt in Wolfsohns
Freimaurerbibliographie, Vienna (20's or early 30's). Useful is the
Internationales Freimaurerlexikon (Vienna 1932). Both Works are from
a (low-degree) masonic viewpoint and esp the latter apologetic against
Ludendorff's conspiracy theory.
Edited sources are: Jan Reichold (ed.): Die Illuminaten. Quellen
und Texte zur Aufklaerungsideologie des Illuminatenordens, Berlin
((former) DDR) 1984, commentary part of course influenced by Marxism
and GDR-ideology, but solid text edition.
Richard van Duelman: Der Geheimbund der Illuminaten, Stuttgart
1975.
If you haven't access to the lexica and could send me a Fax or
snail-mail address, I could send you copies from the articles in
question.
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Institut fuer Spezialforschungen
Platz der Goettinger Sieben 2
D-3400 Goettingen
phone : +49-551-39 7127
fax : +49-551-9 75 88
bitnet: RZELLWE@ibm.gwdg.de
1.6. Howard Bloom
Vieles verbindet die hier vorgestellten Gedankengänge und Ansätze mit den Arbeiten von Howard Bloom, dessen Buch-Titel "The Lucifer Principle" mit diesem kurzen, knappen Begriff die Kernprinzipien seines Denksystems umreißt. Über das Leitmotiv des Lucifer Principle ist es auch auf elegante Weise möglich, die subtilen Unterschiede zwischen den Kern-Prinzipien von Blooms Werk und der vorliegenden Arbeit zu umreißen und mit einem kurzen, knappen Begriff zu charakterisieren. Siehe: Bloom (1995: xiii - 6). Weiter unten ist als Zitat ein kurzer Text von Bloom eingefügt, der das Lucifer Principle näher erklärt.
Fressen und Gefressenwerden, der direkte Austausch der Körpersubstanz der Organismen, ist die wichtigste Kommunikationsform in der Biosphäre.
[840] Das ist aber nichts besonders Teuflisches, für das man extra den Luzifer herbeizitieren müßte. Bei Organismen niedriger Ordnung, deren Nervensystem keinen Schmerz in unserer Form kennt, kann man auch nicht von Grausamkeit im anthropomorphen Sinne sprechen. Etwas anderes ist Sterben und Töten bei höheren Tieren, und beim Menschen. Aber dies fällt schon in den Bereich von *Kultur. Die
Bestialität, die Bloom mit dem Luzifer-Bild und den Beispielen in seinem Buch heraufbeschwört, sollte eher als Folge einer bestimmten kulturellen Krankheit angesehen werden, die die Menschen befallen hat (und die nur Menschen befallen kann), und die die Menschen dann wieder in die Natur hineinprojizieren. Solche Retro-Projektionen haben natürlich hauptsächlich den ideologischen Zweck, den Menschen bestimmte Herrschaftsformen als "natürlich" oder "natur-gesetzlich" unterzujubeln, und daher vollziehen Hobbes und seine soziobiologischen Nachfolger auch strikt eine politische Agenda. In biblischer Ausdrucksweise, ist das was Howard Bloom uns da vorführt, der Versuch einer
Austreibung des Teufels mit Beelzebub. Diese alte Geschichte kennen wir aber schon zur Genüge:
Biography
Extrakt aus der Biographie von Howard Bloom:
Bloom (1995: 182),
(URL) http://www.howardbloom.net/bloombio.htm
Bloom worked with Michael Jackson, Prince, John Cougar Mellencamp, Kiss, Queen, Bette Midler, Billy Joel, Joan Jett, Diana Ross, Simon & Garfunkel, The Talking Heads, AC/DC, Billy Idol, Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, Run D.M.C., Simply Red, and the heads of many a media conglomerate. He was adept at spotting new subcultures, entering them, and helping their members achieve their goals... a skill which gave him an inside role in the rise of rap, disco, and punk rock.
The pinnacles of fame provided surprising scientific revelations. "When you're at the center of the sort of attention-storm which hits when you're working with a superstar," Bloom says, "it's as if the laws of physics change. Hormones charge you up in ways you never imagined. Time perception alters. You resolve crisis in minutes, seeing solutions instantly which previously would have taken you weeks.
"More important is the impact of a communal ritual like a rock concert. The star onstage is taken over by a self he doesn't know, one that seems to surge through him as if he were a length of empty pipe. The force of this strange passion welds the audience in an almost transcendent bond." Bloom's task was to first experience the exaltation, then to dissect it. "The model for this work," he says, "came from William James, who attempted to feel the ecstatic experience of mystics, then to probe it scientifically, a process which led to his 1902 book The Varieties of the Religious Experience."
Bloom's forays into power and its manipulations were also intense. "In the music and film industry everyone knew that money and career advancement were on the line. But few realized how deeply what they did affected the lives of millions, and even fewer felt the responsibility that demands. It was an amazing privilege to work as an equal with the entertainment industry's elite, many of whom I either had to woo or thwart to help my clients reach their audience with a message of genuine value. Some executives were master strategists but used their intelligence to increase their own stature, often at a brutal cost to others. Others were far more ethical. Yet even the best-intentioned employed boardroom and backroom tactics handed down from the politics of chimpanzees. Without knowing it, they used tricks of leadership we share with social animals from lizards and lobsters to baboons and mountain apes."
The Lucifer Principle
The Lucifer Principle: A Scientific Expedition Into The Forces of History
by Howard Bloom
(URL) http://www.bookworld.com/lucifer/about.html
The Lucifer Principle is a book with a peculiar mission. Its goal is to provide the reader with a new way of looking at his world. The Lucifer Principle takes fresh data from a variety of sciences and shapes them into a perceptual lens, a tool with which to reinterpret the human experience. It attempts to offer a very different approach to the anatomy of the social organism, a new way of understanding the operation of its tendons, bones and joints.
In the process, The Lucifer Principle contends that "evil" is a by-product of nature's strategies for creation and is woven into our most basic biological fabric. This argument echoes a very old one. St. Paul proposed it when he put forth the doctrine of original sin. Thomas Hobbes resurrected it when he called the lot of man brutish and nasty. Anthropologist Raymond Dart brought it to the fore again when he interpreted fossil remains in Africa as evidence that man is a killer ape. Old as it is, the concept has often had revolutionary implications. Why? Because it has been the thread on which men like Hobbes and St. Paul have hung dramatic new visions of the world.
I've attempted to employ the subject of man's inborn "evil" like those who turned to the subject in the past--to offer up a restructuring of the way we see the business of being human. I've taken the conclusions of cutting-edge sciences--ethology, sociobiology, psychoneuroimmunology and the study of complex adaptive systems, among others--to suggest a new way of looking at culture, civilization, and the mysterious emotions of those who live inside the social beast. The goal is to open the path toward a new sociology, one which escapes the narrow boundaries of Durkheimeian, Weberian and Marxist concepts, theories that have proven invaluable to the study of mass human behavior while simultaneously entrapping it in orthodoxy.
The Lucifer Principle is organized as a dessert tray for the intellect. But is the tasting worth the effort? That's for you to say. I can only promise one small thing. When you've finished The Lucifer Principle, you are unlikely to see the daily events around you in the same old way again.
2. Humor
Der Humor bzw. das Lachen ist ebenfalls ein wichtiges Element der Noologie. In den sprirituellen Traditionen sind vor allem die Sufis und die jüdischen Mystiker für ihren Humor bekannt. Im christlichen Abendland gab man sich da eher moralin-sauer, und konzentrierte sich mehr auf das Leiden, und so ist dort in Puncto Humor nicht viel zu holen. Humor ist eine (fast) allen Menschen zugängliche, "kleine" Form der Transzendenz eingefahrener Denkmuster, und damit der Überwindung von Sperren und Einschränkungen, gewissermassen die Pera-Noesis "for the rest of us".
[841] Hier sollen ein paar Themen der vorgegangenen Diskussion der Noologie mit Humor illustriert werden. Nicht umsonst ist der jüdische Humor in der dumpfen, stickigen Enge der osteuropäischen Ghettos entstanden und erblüht, in die die Christen die Juden damals eingesperrt hatten. So schuf sich hier der Geist einen Freiraum nach dem Motto: "Wenn schon nicht die Leiber, so sind die Gedanken doch (relativ) frei".
[842]
Unkonventionelle Meditationsmethoden und Zen-Koans
Die Gans in der Flasche
Der Meister sprach zum Schüler: Ich habe hier ein Koan, mit dem du zur Erleuchtung gelangen wirst, wenn du es löst. Stell dir vor, du nimmst ein gerade geschlüpftes Gänseküken, und tust es in eine Flasche. Dann fütterst du es, bis es eine schöne grosse Gans geworden ist. Wie bekommst du die Gans nun heraus, ohne die Flasche zu zerbrechen oder die Gans zu Hackfleisch zu machen?
Nach sieben Jahren Meditierens geht der Schüler zum Meister und sagt: Ich habe die Antwort!
Der Meister: Und die ist?
Version I: Der Schüler: Ich stelle mir vor, sie ist schon draussen.
Version II: Der Schüler: Ich habe aufgehört, mir vorzustellen, sie wäre drin.
Version III: Der Schüler: Muh.
[843]
Der Hornochse
Der Meister sprach zum Schüler: Ich habe hier eine Meditationsaufgabe, mit der du zur Erleuchtung gelangen wirst, wenn du nur gut genug übst. Wenn du meditieren gehst, stell dir vor, du bist ein Hornochse, und visualisiere dir genau die Hörner, wie sie dir aus dem Schädel wachsen.
Der Schüler geht in seine Meditationshütte, und kommt nicht wieder raus.
Nach sieben Jahren geht der Meister zur Meditationshütte, um nachzusehen, wie es mit dem Schüler steht. Er ruft ihn und sagt: Du kannst jetzt rauskommen.
Von drinnen tönt die Antwort: Muh, kann nicht raus, Hörner passen nicht durch Türe!
[844]
Sound of One hand clapping
W.s i.t d.r K.a.g v.n e.n.r k.a.s.h.n.e. H.n. ?
Schweige-Retreat
Drei Meditäter sind in einer Hütte auf einem 3-wöchigen Schweige-Meditations-Retreat. Sie dürfen bei Tageslicht nichts essen und vor allem nicht sprechen. Am Nachmittag des ersten Tages schielt der Erste zu den leeren Tellern, und stößt den anderen an und sagt:
Oh, was hab ich für einen Hunger !
Der Zweite, wütend: Du Idiot, du hast das Schweigen gebrochen !
Der Dritte, selbstzufrieden: Ich hab zum Glück mit euren Streitereien nichts zu tun !
Die Nach-Meditations-Retreat-Meditation
Dies ist eine Meditation, die man unbedingt sofort nach jedem Seminar oder Retreat machen sollte, das irgendwie mit Meditation, Erleuchtung, Spiritualität, Non-Dualität, oder sonstigen esoterischen Themen zu tun hat:
Version Sommer: Ziehe Dich nackt aus und bitte eine/n Freund/in, dich für eine halbe Stunde mit einem Büschel Brennesseln abzubürsten.
Version Winter: Ziehe Dich nackt aus, gehe nach draussen, und bitte eine/n Freund/in, dich für eine halbe Stunde mit einem Wasserschlauch mit eiskaltem Wasser abzuspritzen.
Meditere dabei non-dual (one-pointedly) auf die Natur der Realität.
Kommentar: In den ersten 5 Minuten oder so wirst Du kaum etwas anderes tun können, als non-dual bei deiner Empfindung zu sein.
Mind over Matter, Matter over Mind
Version I:
What is matter? - Never mind.
What is mind? - Doesn't matter.
Version II:
Now, is it Mind over Matter ?
Or is it Matter over Mind ?
Does this really matter ?
Why should I ever mind ?
Genesis I: Adams Rib
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."
God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg..."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
Genesis II: "Where do pets come from?"
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to the question "Where do pets come from?".
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now, we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be companion for Adam and Eve, and it was a good animal.
And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved...but perhaps too well."
And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
Genesis III: Zusatzausstattungen...
Gott hatte gerade die grundlegenden Strukturen des Menschen erschaffen
und nun war es an der Zeit für die Zusatzausstattungen. Sie sagte daher
zu Adam und Eva: "Ok, wir haben jetzt also alles Grundlegende. Wer von
euch beiden möchte im Stehen pinkeln können?"
Adam springt auf auf schreit: "Oh ja, ich, ich möchte im Stehen pinkeln können!!"
Gott sprach also: "Dies soll geschehen." Und Adam ging glücklich von dannen.
Dann wand sich Gott Eva zu und sprach: "Nun, sieht es aus als ob alles, was
ich noch übrig hätte multiple Orgasmen wären."
Genesis IV: Gott, ich bin einsam...
Eines Tages im Garten Eden sagte Eva zu Gott: "Gott, ich habe ein Problem!" "Was ist das Problem, Eva?" "Gott, ich weiß, dass du mich erschaffen hast, mir diesen wunderschönen Garten und all diese fabelhaften Tiere und diese zum Totlachen komische Schlange zur Seite gestellt hast, aber ich bin einfach nicht glücklich." "Warum bist du nicht glücklich, Eva?" kam die Antwort von oben. "Gott, ich bin einsam, und ich kann Äpfel einfach nicht mehr sehen." "Na gut, Eva, in diesem Fall habe ich die Lösung für dein Problem. Ich werde für dich einen Mann erschaffen und ihn dir zur Seite stellen." "Was ist ein Mann?" "Dieser Mann wird eine missratene Kreatur sein, mit vielen Fehlern und schlechten Charakterzügen. Er wird lügen, dich betrügen und unglaublich eitel und eingebildet sein. Im Grossen und Ganzen wird er dir das Leben schwer machen. Aber er wird größer, stärker und schneller sein und er wird es lieben zu jagen und Dinge zu töten. Er wird dümmlich aussehen, wenn er erregt ist, aber da du dich ja beschwert hast, werde ich ihn derart beschaffen, dass er deine körperlichen Bedürfnisse befriedigen wird. Er wird witzlos sein und solch kindische Dinge wie Kämpfen und einen Ball herumkicken über alles lieben. Er wird auch nicht viel Verstand haben, so dass er deinen Rat brauchen wird, um vernünftig zu denken." "Klingt ja umwerfend", sagte Eva und zog dabei eine Augenbraue ironisch hoch. "Wo ist der Haken, Gott?" "Also... Du kannst ihn unter einer Bedingung haben." "Und welche Bedingung ist das, Gott?" "Wie ich schon sagte, wird er stolz und arrogant sein und sich selbst stets am meisten bewundern... Du wirst ihn daher im Glauben lassen müssen, dass ich ihn zuerst geschaffen hätte. Denk dran, das ist unser beider Geheimnis...Du weißt schon, von Frau zu Frau..."
The Harley Davidson
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.
Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Davidson, "you have some major design flaws in your invention: There's too much front end protrusion It chatters at high speeds The rear end wobbles too much, and The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "But according to my computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."
THE GENIE
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I can't do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No ... that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I want to understand women. What makes them laugh? What makes them cry? Why are they temperamental? And why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes; then said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?
Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic? Dr. Schlambaugh of the U. of Oklahoma Chemical Engineering Dept. is known for asking questions on his finals like: "Why do airplanes fly?" In May 1997, the "Momentum, Heat, and Mass Transfer II" final exam question was: "Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it does not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant. [A1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. [A2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during freshman year, that, "It'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then [A2] cannot be true... thus, Hell is exothermic."
The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.
Jesus Saves I
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job".
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted his computer. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves".
Jesus Saves II
Tafel an einer Kirche in Amerika:
"JESUS SAVES"
mit einer Sprühdose dazugeschriebener Kommentar:
"BUT MOSES INVESTS"
When You Meet God
Two old american confederate civil war veteran colonels dyed in the wool with purest "white supremacy" ideology have for long years been getting together, drinking and cussing and complaining about the constant deterioration of world affairs after the end of the civil war. Now that they are feeling that death is coming close, they make up their minds to question God about why such a bad fortune should befall God's Own Country. They promise to each other that whoever dies first, will ask God this question, and appear to the other in a dream to give him the answer. Soon after, one of them dies, and promptly appears to the other in his dream.
So the fellow asks his dead friend: Now, did you meet God, and what's the answer?
The other, sourly: Never mind, She's a niggra.
Last Supper
Last Supper Every year, just before Easter, the Chief Rabbi in Rome goes to the Vatican and presents an ancient, and by now quite tattered envelope to the Pope. The Pope inspects the envelope, shakes his head, and hands it back to the Chief Rabbi, who then departs.
This has been going on for nearly two thousand years. One year recently, it happened that there was a new Pope and a new Chief Rabbi. When the Chief Rabbi presented the ancient envelope to the Pope, as he had been instructed to do by his predecessor, the Pope looked it over and handed it back as he had been told to, in turn, by his predecessor . . . but then the Pope said, "This is an unusual ritual. I don't understand it. What is in this envelope?"
"Damned if I know," answered the Chief Rabbi. "I'm new here myself. But, hey, let's open it and find out."
"Good idea," said the Pope. So together, they slowly and carefully opened the envelope. And do you know what they found? The caterer's bill for the Last Supper!
HEAVEN'S FULL
One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something had to be done. So The Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the gate and ask everyone how they died. If it was a grisly story they told, they could go ahead into Heaven. But if not, they had to go to Hell. The first man walks up and St. Peter tells him what's happening. "You see, Heaven is quite full today, and we have to ask everyone how they died. If it sounds good, you can go ahead. But if not, you go to Hell."
"Ok," the man says. "Well, for awhile I've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So today I thought I'd leave work early and catch her. Sure enough, I got to my apartment building and she was lying naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the man but couldn't find him. Then I remembered that we live on the 25th floor of an apartment building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just wouldn't let go, so I ran and got a hammer and beat his hands until he fell into the bushes below. I saw he was still alive so I got the refrigerator and pushed over the edge on top of him. But the strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died. "Wow!" St. Peter said. "That really is bad! You can go ahead..."
The next man walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story. "Ok," the second man said. "So I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and everyday I do exercises on my balcony. Well, today I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the railing of the balcony below me. But suddenly, this man came running out and started beating at my hands. He ran back inside and I thought I was safe, but then he came back out with hammer and beat my hands again. I finally fell off, but luckily I landed in the bushes below and they saved my life. But that wasn't enough for the man because he pushed his refrigerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed me. And now I'm here." "Wow, that's a good one too! You can go ahead..."
The third man walked up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story of how he died. "Ok," the third man said. "I don't know what happened. I was hiding naked inside of a refrigerator..."
The Bible in 50 Words or Less
God made, Adam bit, Noah arked, Abraham split, Jacob fooled, Joseph ruled, Bush talked, Moses balked, Pharaoh plagued, People walked, Sea divided, Tablets guided, Promises landed, Saul freaked, David peeked, Prophets warned, Jesus born, God walked, Love talked, Anger crucified, Hope died, Love rose, Spirit flamed, Word spread, God remained. Amen.
[841] Jerry Pournelle benutzte diesen Ausdruck in seinen Kolumnen in Byte Magazine in den 70er und 80er Jahren, wenn er damit die Computer-Ignoramusse ansprach.
[842] Natürlich haben die Gedanken genauso ihre Grenzen und Denk-Bahnen. Das wird noch in einem anderen Kapitel erläutert.
[843] Zur Erläuterung von Muh, siehe nächste Fussnote.
[844] Muh (japanisch) ist im Zen-Buddhismus das Äquivalent für Shunyata (Skrt). Die Zen-Erleuchtung fand meistens nach folgenden zwei Mustern (kata) statt:
1) Der Schüler sagte "Muh" und zerbrach irgendetwas, oder schüttete etwas aus.
Oder:
2) Der Meister sagte "Muh" und zerbrach irgendetwas, oder schüttete etwas aus, auf dem Kopf des Schülers, manchmal auch auf seinem Hinterteil. In extremeren Situationen konnte es auch schon mal vorkommen, dass er ihm etwas abhackte.
(Siehe Paul Reps, "Zen Flesh, Zen Bones").
